Sunday July 24 , 2016

Archive for February, 2010

Yay! Let’s Declare War Now!

Now that we kicked yankee ass in olympic hockey again, let’s just fuckin’ invade. Totally burn that gawddamned lilly white house down again.

Oops. Patriot rage. Dial it down, Sooey, dial it down.

Phew. Now for Sooey the Party Poop and the first commercials to run once  the gold medal stubbly Miss America’s, except Canadian, had received their winning bouquets and subsequent gold medals. Here they are, paid for by SOMEBODY, one, two, three, with a short bio on each cribbed from the internet:

1. Chevrolet:  On June 1, 2009, General Motors filed for bankruptcy proceedings and is temporarily majority owned by the US Treasury and to a smaller extent the Canadian government.

Canada will take $10.5 billion in aid from the federal and Ontario governments and pump some of that money back into operations, boosting research and development and launching five new vehicles, including a new hybrid gasoline-electric car.  The financial aid is part of the parent company’s bankruptcy restructuring filing Monday and will be used to maintain 16 per cent of GM’s North American manufacturing output in Canada into the future. However, by the time GM’s restructuring is complete, the 101-year-old Canadian business will be a shadow of its former self and will shed more jobs from plants in southern Ontario.

GM plans to focus its business on its four core US brands: Chevrolet, Cadillac, Buick and GMC.General Motors.

2. Coca Cola: Coca cola is a very addictive substance. The sugar in it is one of the most addictive substances in the world. When looked at under a microscope compared to heroin, there are minimal differences. Also, the caffeine is very addictive. And, like any addictive substance, when you lay off of them you will feel affects of it like you just stopped shooting up (just not as severe) But, you will get headaches, body aches, the need for the substance, irritability, and other symptoms. This is not a substance that is easily gotten over. It will take time and effort to quit, but I think it would be worth your while to stop this addiction.

3. RBC: The victims of Montreal financial adviser Earl Jones announced Friday they are seeking a judge’s permission to launch a class-action lawsuit against the Royal Bank of Canada.

Boarding at Guergisgate 5

Wait a minute… SHE WAS ALLOWED ON THE FUCKING PLANE?! Christ, I missed that part of the story yesterday.

Okay. That’s it. Why the hell aren’t we all throwing shitfits at airport security, then, if those shiftless bums will just let you on the plane anyway? I mean, if that’s all it takes to make a flight these days, why the hell are we all lining up like a bunch of shoeless sheep waiting for our turn to be probed? Geez Louise. I hope those gawddamned terrorists! aren’t watching this little episode:

“Happy fucking birthday to Mohammed! I guess I’m stuck in this Great Satan.”

“There’s a by-law against swearing in Charlottetown, sir. Here’s your boarding pass. Happy birthday.”

Do you ever wonder why you bother trying to stay sane?

And yeah – I want heads to roll over this. Everybody connected in any way, shape or form to the Charlottetown airport – YOU’RE FIRED! Helena Guergis resign? Why? It seems to me all she did was bring to light some seriously lacking airport security measures on P.E.I. Resign? Christ, she should be promoted to replace the shiftless bum in charge of national security.


Welcome to My World, Helena

“Happy fucking birthday to me. I guess I’m stuck in this hellhole.”

Please gawd, let there be bumper stickers, fridge magnets and July 1st balloons released from Parliament Hill. I want, I want, I want. And best birthday greeting card to oneself EVER!

I have to admit, I got a vicarious thrill from Helena Guergis’ meltdown at the P.E.I. airport in P.E.I.’s only and capital city of Charlottetown, population 60,000. At the end of my honeymoon in Paris, during which I suffered an existentialist crisis extraordinaire while my ex enjoyed smoking everywhere and eating croques monsieur – at the same time - we arrived at the airport less than the required two hours before the flight home (it must be 24 hours by now - fucking terrorists). The snooty French waiter at the gate waggged his finger at us and said something haughty sounding in French that I was pretty sure translated as: ”You were supposed to be here two hours early. Tough luck you filthy New World swine who make more money in a day than I do in a week and yet still you resist our foppish fashions and rude manners.”

I had a Guergis. All over the place. I was literally on the floor, pounding the cement, throwing my hands up to the heavens, calling Frenchie every name that came to mind, while my ex went to buy a pack of Gaulois to wait out the next flight. And guess what – it worked. We got on the flight. Of course, my ex said something about being embarassed by my Guergis (known as a tantrum at that time), and we realized later that embarassed sounds awfully close to the word for pregnant en francais (or, at least, also starts with an “e” – and computer, place affected accent under the c, please). So Frenchie may just have decided to wave us through, lest our staying any longer resulted in the addition of yet another non-French citizen to spoil his view. That it turned out I actually WAS preggers is a mere coincidence and not… omigawd… do you suppose… hm… far be it from me to judge, but maybe if an aide is reading this you could advise the Minister to ease up on the booze and drugs.

Anyway, I hope P.E.I.’s actual representatives:  Shawn Murphy, Lawrence MacAulay, Wayne Easter, Gail Shea AND  Senators Mike Duffy, Catherine Callbeck, Percy Downe and Elizabeth Hubley are paying attention. According to witnesses, the meltdown was in part due to the the fact that, not only does Ms. Guergis not need to be lectured by airport staff about security measures, BUT, she was only in P.E.I. because she was working her ass off for those shiftless bums. Well, here, don’t believe me, believe what one of said shiftless bums reported in a letter to one of his shiftless bum ACTUAL representatives:

“I don’t need to be lectured about flight time by you. I’ve been down here working my ass off for you people.”

I hear ya, Helena. It’s like that with me, too. But nobody appreciates anything anymore. It’s never “ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country” with Canadians. Or even, “ask not what your mother can do for you but what you can do for your mother”, even though she suffered through a whole honeymoon in Paris just so that you could be born.

Gawd, it’s always something, isn’t it.


The IOC Can Feel Embarassed?!

Cripes, the IOC’s reputation is several steps below the Italian mafia on the corruption scale. Probably even lower than the Vatican.

Okay, okay. Maybe not that low.

But really now, how come when a skeleton dude swigs from a pitcher of beer on camera it’s all, “DUUUUUDE”, and you watch him do it over and over and over again in replays until the next gold medal winner knocks him of the stage, BUT when the women’s hockey team does a little girls gone wild on the ice it’s all pursed lips and tsk tsking and “you’ll never play olympic hockey in this town again you cheap boozy sluts”.

And I seriously think the IOC needs to hang around pre-teen girls a little more if they think the women’s hockey team wasn’t being a good role model. “Stay in sports, girls. The more fit you are, the more fun you can have before losing your looks”. Cripes, what a bunch of panty-waists the IOC is.

Although, it probably shouldn’t hang around pre-teen girls a little more. I take that back.


Dear Mom

My boyfriend just called me a chimp-legged whore. Should I be worried? This could become his new pet name for me. What do you do in between waxes?


Your chimp-legged daughter