Archive for September, 2010
Canada, it’s our time to leave, er, lead
The Globe and Mail is running a bizarre ad featuring a helmeted girl on a bike telling citizens to step up and pledge new definitions for what Canada is, definitions that say we’re neither afraid of success nor sceptical of those who seek it. (Which so reminds me of my favourite quote: “Every time a friend succeeds, a little part of me dies.” (Gore Vidal) And my other favourite quote: “If you think you might not win, don’t try.” (My kids’ Dad) And the title of a book by the world’s best short story writer, Alice Munro ”Who do you think you are?” And that itchy trigger finger I get every time I’m at a meeting and some boot-licking asshole starts yammering on about ”improving our outcomes”, “achieving greater efficiences”, or that howler, “doing more with less”. Yeah. Fuck you, Adolph. Hitler. Jerkwad.)
And don’t go pledging those same old same old definitions like hockey (Hey – remember when we beat the Americans in hockey? Sweeeeeeet!), telephones (Has anybody else noticed that competition from cell phones has made landlines more expensive? I mean, Wtf? Consider this a kick in the cunt, Ma Bell!), teaching the world to type with its thumbs (Haha – take that animals, you thumbless tech’tard losers!), peace-keeping (You know, we should just bomb the shit out of Cypress – “We’ve changed, man! We’ve pledged a new definition of Canada!”), insulin (Phff – what have you done for Canada lately, Banting. Or Best. Or whichever one of you four-eyes invented some drug nobody cares about, probably even if they have diabetes) or universal healthcare (Omigawd, so yesterday even Americans are trying it out. Kinda. But not really at all. Sort of like us. Universal healthcare? Try universal BORRRING!)
Because it’s our time to lead.
Yah! Right-on, you Canadian grey old lady, Globe & Mail. Get out of the fuckin’ way, Portugal! That security seat at the UN is ours, dammit! Or see above. Maybe we’ll just re-engineer the Canadarm to be the Canadarmy that bombs the crap out of friggin’ EVERYBODY, eh?
Just don’t go pledging your new definitions in the street or the police will round you up and throw you in jail and then you’ll end up as part of a Negative Nellie class action suit against, I dunno, the government, I guess, for false arrest, yadda yadda blah blah, and reminding everybody of the OLD Canada and a bunch of stupid crap nobody cares about anymore. Especially the Globe & Mail, which is so out with old (don’t let the door hit you on your way out, Salutin, you granola chomping chowderhead) and in with the new (Yes! New!). New! It’s time for new! Forget news! New!
Run for the Needle Exchange
It’s the Terry Fox Run today in Ottawa. Maybe it’s across Canada. I don’t know. I can’t keep up with all this running.
Anyway, Terry Fox is a national icon, but that didn’t stop the Canadian army from holding the Army run in Ottawa on the same day as the Terry Fox Run. Not that I don’t have just as much sympathy for maimed soldiers as I do for people who have cancer.
But I work with people who have cancer. And you have to pledge for people who have a sign on their baffle that says, “I survived cancer, what have YOU survived?”
Got me. Of course, if you want to be literal about it, shouldn’t it be the Terry Fox Hop to Thunder Bay?
Omigawd! Omigawd! Omigawd! Sooey made a joke about cancer. Well, I can make jokes about cancer because my father died of cancer. Nyah, nyah. My Niggas.
But seriously, folks. I’m from Northern Ontario, and in Northern Ontario we like to side with the underdog. So when I hear, Terry Fox Run, I think, wtf? Terry Fox? What about Steve Fonyo? Steve Fonyo actually RAN across Canada. Go, Steve, you uniped bastard. I lurves ya, baby.
Anyway, the above is just Sooey’s way of introducing the next topic, which is this: corporate fundraising in schools. Now, I’m all for the Heart & Stroke Foundation, I just don’t give a rat’s ass about it. And I’m tired of my kids (who are safely all at university, anyway, so this blog entry is so way out of date you should probably stop reading now – except you’ll miss the coming up hilarity if you do) doing such events at school as: Jump Rope for Heart, Hoops for Heart, and Skip Pizza Day for Heart. (That last one is made up – there’s really just the two events.)
Because my whole thing, as a left leftie, who is also left-handed, is think globally, act locally. Except by thinking globally I mean posting global thoughts on the internet to be read by millions of people, thus changing the world, and by act locally I mean not owning a car.
So here’s my idea for the kids and fundraising and ALL THAT JAZZ. (And it’s really my sister’s idea, so credit where credit is due, as I always say when I suspect someone whose idea I ripped off might be reading Sooey Says): Jump Rope for the Needle Exchange; Hoops for HIV; Skip Pizza Day for the Homeless, whom mayoral candidate Larry O’Brien once referred to as “pigeons”.
It’s Sunday night. I’ve had a couple of glasses of wine. On that note, all I have to say is: This is your brain. This is your brain exploding because Larry O’Brien is, once again, the Mayor of Ottawa.
Please, people – don’t drink and vote. I mean, blog. Oh fuck. I didn’t vote for Larry O’Brien, did I?
BECAUSE MY SISTER DID! True story. He had her at: I’ll cancel the lightrail.
Don’t tell her I posted that. She is SO fucking embarrassed that she voted for Larry O’Bried. SO fucking embarrassed.
Okay, solidarity with sister time. I didn’t vote for Alex Munter, who would have been the littlest gayest most perfect mayor in Ottawa, because I, well, just let me say, act locally got hung up on account of a couple of buckets of draught that got in my way as I headed out to the polling booth.
Like I said, I’m from Northern Ontario. Hey. Fuck off, eh.
Aw crap. Larry O’Brien’s the underdog in this race, isn’t he. Shit. Well, You can take the girl out of Northern Ontario, but you can’t take Northern Ontario out of the girl.
YOU GO, LARRY!!!
A Teaching Moment for Today’s Youth
I’ve got an idea. Why don’t we bring back the death penalty just long enough to execute the perpetrators of the sexual assault against a sixteen year old girl last week, along with all those sick little bastards who watched it happen and did nothing, followed by the evil fuckwits who disseminated photos of it all over the internet and those cretinous teenaged girls who claim that sexual assault is the fault of the victim.
That ought to send a clear message to today’s yout’s as to what’s right and what’s wrong and if you don’t know the difference then maybe you should just shut the fuck up. Oh, and forced sterilization before the executions because I don’t want any of the savage morons above to add their tainted genes to an already overburdened with imbecility gene pool.
Oh! Oh! Oh! And let’s make sure that the executions are YouTubed. We can call the video: A Teaching Moment.
John Baird Vs Toronto Elites
Okay, people. I just heard John Baird, Minister of Fine Dining Where No Business Is Ever Discussed, refer to the citizens opposed to the government’s dumbassed plan to scrap the proven effective long gun registry as… wait for it… Toronto Elites.
No joke – he then left his press conference in a limosine.
Oh good. Fox News North no longer has Stephen Harper’s former mouthpiece at the wheel – it’s got Brian Mulroney’s. I guess it makes sense that New Conservatives are desperate to have their own news station to counter the liberal bias of the facts that get reported on real news stations. Because even Conservative leaning Canadian news stations like Global, CTV and CBC have to report the facts.