Tuesday September 02 , 2014

Archive for November, 2010

The Truth Shall Set You – IN CEMENT AT THE BOTTOM OF A LAKE?

What if, after WikiLeaks have revealed the truth about our duplicitous politicians and their psychotic henchmen, who view democracy and the rule of law as unnecessary evils, those rape allegations against Julian Assange turn out to be true? Will that mean our politicians and their henchmen are just weaselly and incompetent as was previously thought?

But it’s hard not to stand behind a guy politicians worldwide view as a threat to diplomatic relations – especially when diplomatic relations seem to consist of bullshit and pissy cable exchanges, while anything resembling the truth is locked in a black box in a bunker of the Pentagon. Not to mention the strange bedfellows he’s created. I mean, thanks to WikiLeaks, Bill O’Reilly, Sarah Palin AND her separated-at-birth daughter, Christine O’Donnell (heheh – as opposed to her separated-at-birth grandson, Trig) are on the same side as Hillary Clinton and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad:

“Whoever leaked all those State Department documents to the WikiLeaks website is a traitor and should be executed or put in prison for life,” he said. “The guy who runs the website is a sleazeball named Julian Assange, who is bent on damaging America.

Sarah Palin blasted out a dispatch to her Facebook supporters Monday, taking aim at the Obama administration’s handling of the latest WikiLeaks document drop , criticizing the White House’s “incompetent handling of this whole fiasco.” The former Alaska governor also seemingly encouraging the hunting of its founder, Julian Assange, with “the same urgency we pursue al Qaeda and Taliban leaders.”

“Some may cringe when I say this,” O’Donnell tweeted,” but Hillary-You Go Girl! She’s no Reagan yet her verbal lashing against wikileak is tough-watch out Obama!”

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad compared the release to “psychological warfare and a propaganda game. “These games will not affect relations,” he told a news conference in Tehran, calling the documents “valueless.”

Cripes, it’s funny how American Conservatives can make almost anybody look sane, eh?

Now, I don’t know if I’d think WikiLeaks was the best news since beer and dope were revealed to give you super powers  if the Pentagon wasn’t so hellbent on convincing everyone that it’s the worst news since Jimmy Carter was elected President, but since it is, and the Pentagon is to truth what the Vatican is to good, I’m with the guy behind the WikiLeaks. Not that we’re learning anything we didn’t already know to be true, but it sure is gratifying to see the Americans and the Iranians taking the same line on the revelations.

Because what WikiLeaks reveals more than anything else is that, no matter where you are, if you’re the one in power, truth = not good. And the guy telling it = enemy of the State.

And just in case you thought Canada wasn’t as stupid as the United States (thanks to Obama, who has single-handedly elevated its national I.Q. close to the triple digits, while the New Conservative Caucus took us out of them) here’s our own Perfesser and Ad Vice Giver to His Majesty King Stephen Harper on what to do with truth-tellers:

The comments came as an adviser to Stephen Harper, the Canadian prime minister, suggested a different solution to the international diplomatic crisis – assassinating Mr Assange.

Prof Tom Flanagan said Barack Obama should “put out a contract and maybe use a drone or something” to rid the world of Mr Assange.

As the anchor on the CBC news programme warned him that his comments were “pretty harsh stuff”, Prof Flanagan responded that he was “feeling very manly today”.

He rounded off his interview by claiming the leak of the documents could “conceivably lead to war,” adding: “I wouldn’t feel unhappy if Assange disappeared.”

Yikes! Pathological aversion to the truth much, Flanagan?

And wait a minute… aren’t we already at war? Isn’t that what the United States is complaining about? That the truth is coming out while we’re at war? Isn’t that why the Pentagon is suddenly so active? Because the truth might end the war and peace will be breaking out all over?

Speaking of which, while everybody else is planning to lay treason charges or plotting assassination or just backtracking more than usual, Israel is crowing. Turns out, the Arab Brotherhood isn’t as thick as thieves are supposed to be and everybody wants somebody to bomb Iran because none of the Arab countries in the Middle East want it to have nuclear weapons either. So, really, Thomas Flanagan, maybe the war you think telling the truth could lead to will be the one you want to have anyway!

So, my advice is to put down the gun and relax – at least until after we get the Bank of America truth drop in January! Christmas is coming late this year, fellow citizens – but it’s coming! Here’s to 2011 and Julian Assange!

 

How Do You Solve A Problem Like Korea?

Gee, I dunno – make China solve it or tell China it can’t own us anymore? Either that or just tell South Korea to take one for the team and unite with their kin in North Korea – and then cut off all communication and remove Korea from the internet.

Oh, c’mon – lighten up. It’s just WWIII. And it’s not like George W. Bush wasn’t all set to get ‘er goin’ with Iran, which would have been way worse, if you ask me, which no one ever does, I’ve noticed. And by way worse, of course, I mean on the internet – as in arguments over who’s more anti-Semitic: Neo-Nazis, Islamic Fundamentalists, Christian Evangelical Republicans who believe perfected Jews are Christian, your racist Grandma, or Jimmy Carter.

Korea? How the hell do you have an internet argument about Korea?

Besides, Sarah Palin, future BEST PRESIDENT EVER of the United States of America and mother (sister? aunt? grandma?) of Dancing with the Stars loser, Bristol Palin, pretty much summed it up when she said America should stand beside its North Korean allies. Exactly. North/South – does it really matter? To us, I mean?

Must we be expected to care about everybody?

And I’m not just singling out Koreans, which I doubt is even possible. As far as I’m concerned, uniting the bad Korea with the good Korea would be just like Canada uniting with the United States. I mean, at first Americans would be confused, “Canada’s a state now, too? What’s that, then – 63 states?”, and Canadians would be all bitter and betrayed, “We told God to keep our land glorious and free!”, but after a while it’d be like it had always been that way. We’d watch the same tv shows, eat the same fast foods, drive the same cars, get born, marry, divorce, marry again, get plastic surgery, jog, start forgetting our keys, phone numbers, names.

And I can tell you right now that Koreans wouldn’t give a shit one way or the other. The bastards.

So yeah, solving a problem like Korea is easy. It’s when that spoiled brat generation of Chinese boy overlords goes senile that things might start getting a little rough for Americanada.

 

Motivate Me

Last week my co-workers and I went to hear a motivational speaker. I’m not sure why. But when I came back from lunch or a meeting or something, my co-workers were all be-coated and heading for the elevators.

“Where’s everybody going?”

“To ‘ear da guy ew be dewwing da t’ing.”

“What’s that, girl? The Minister has fallen down a well? There’s been a strike vote? You’re going to hear a motivational speaker?” (I have my government certified intermediate level in French comprehension.)

“Ah wenh. Dat be da t’ing we be dewwing.”

So I checked my email (I was away for a couple of weeks in the summer), turned off my out-of-office (oops, good thing I’m not responsible for answering emails… unless… I am…) and headed out with them to get motivated.

We arrived late to the conference room, having made a Pepsi and poutine stop (aw relax, I’m kidding – they’d already had lunch, we stopped to play a couple of cards of bingo), to find about 30 civil servants standing awkwardly in front of their seats being exhorted from the stage by a young middle-aged fellow with big teeth (I am convinced that big teeth are the difference between the people on the stage and the people in the audience) to pump their fists in the air and shout “Yes!”

So, like the civil servants they (I’m a temp, so I can criticize others without feeling any sense of guilt or remorse, or even humanity) are, people were raising their hands to shoulder height, curling their fingers inwards ever so slightly, and doing a kind of “better luck next time”  gesture, before slumping back down into their seats, relieved that the participaction part of the presentation seemed to be over.

I wanted to tell the motivational speaker that, so far so AWESOME, I’d never seen a roomful of civil servants so engaged before, but he was already moving on to the meat of his presentation, which was how to be successful by lining up a series of words such that, if you put the first letter of each word in order to form another word, those letters would spell out the word “SUCCESS”. And voila. You could wake up the next morning and be the type of person who progresses from just waking up in the morning to waking up in the morning and then going on to recite positive affirmations in the mirror while brushing teeth that will get bigger with each positive affirmation to  – wait for it – achieving untold levels of personal and professional success.

Which is a great first step. I love talking to myself, and I may as well say good things to myself as bad, especially if I’m looking in the mirror, and, of course, brushing one’s teeth is something I have always considered to be pretty much the least one can do to start out the day feeling like thing one has been accomplished (although, every time I brush my teeth now I think about how you’re supposed to replace your toothbrush every five years because of bacteria buildup and then I think of landfills and dentists and wonder if it all wouldn’t be better if we just stopped going outside altogether and maybe even stopped brushing our teeth and went back to doing whatever people did before disposable toothbrushes were invented to cause us so much anxiety and despair with the added insult of destroying the planet for all the non-successful species).

But the rest of it kind of left me cold (not that I was doing very well with the first step, either – see above) because I lack professional ambition and I just can’t get beyond the brushing my teeth part of the success drill without seeing that looming void of work stretched out like forever before me until one bright and shiny day the merciful hand of death reaches out to slap me into oblivion and I am released from this mortal coil and two bus commute. Also, and I know this for a fact because a United Church minister, the real deal, the kind of guy who had a whole slew of adopted kids with a christ-challenging array of disabilities told me, the key to success is simple, “You get what you give”. And interestingly, the motivational speaker, who, to me, was sort of like the opposite of that guy (who did NOT have big teeth, by the way) tells a story at the end of his spiel about giving – BUT – because he’s a motivational speaker and not a United Church minister, he totally misses out on the getting part. Because he’s a Canadian motivational speaker, the story involves a hockey game and fundraising and a little girl wanting his stick after all the funds have been raised, a record set, and all the orphans saved (although… still orphans… so I’m not really sure how they were saved, and since only $5,000 was raised I’m not even sure that the rental of the rink would have been covered). So he reluctantly parts with the hockey stick and she takes it and then hands it back and asks him to sign it. So he gets to pretend he’s like Phil Esposito or Eddie Shack and signs the stick and tells us, “Isn’t that great? I was able to make that little girl feel so good by giving her my hockey stick!”

Which was excellent practice for me in self-discipline because I so wanted to stand up and say, “Wrong, stupid. She made YOU feel good by asking for it.” which would have rendered his presentation completely beside the point, which it was anyway because what could possibly BE the point in motivating civil servants unless you were trying to get them to quit their cog-in-the-wheel it’s-all-about-process do-not-ask-and-you-will-not-receive jobs and devote their lives to dumpster-diving (Sooey’s Number 1 pick of “do no harm” lifestyles) and blogging (I’m not sure where blogging fits into the “get what you give” thing but I like blogging so I figure it’s got to be good, for me, anyway, although it’s really just a diversion from writing for money, which, if I wasn’t busy blogging for nothing I might actually get around to doing).

Or, perhaps one of my co-workers put it better when she said, “My granmudder and granfodder work all da day an all da night and da success be da baby dat doan die. Da relative be da t’ing ‘ere.” as we headed to the sugar shack for an afternoon snack of pea soup and maple syrup.

So yeah. That, too. And how do you spell success if you’re an orphaned five year old in Haiti? (I. D.I.D.N.’.T. G.E.T. E.A.T.E.N. B.Y. A. T.I.G.E.R. T.O.D.A.Y.) Which made me think of all those movie stars and baby adoptions and look at all the good works we’re doing, the snowsuit fund operators and children’s wish benefactors and Christmas cheer philanthropists and how the beneficiary in any charitable contribution is actually the donor and so why don’t we have motivational speakers telling us that we “get what we give” and that the first two letters of success inverted spell U.S. And then, of course, explain that U.S. means US, not the United States. And then, instead of having everybody pump their fist in the air and shout, “Yes!”, you could have each person turn to the person on the left and put their palms together and say, “Us”. Unless the audience was made up of civil servants in which case you would tell them that they could just sit in their seats and imagine doing all that. And then maybe imagine quitting their absolutely meaningless jobs to take up dumpster-diving. Because nothing succeeds like not trying to be successful.

 

I’ve Got Your Junk! I’ve Got Your Junk Right Here!

First of all, if I’m in an airport security line-up and some asshole says, “don’t touch my junk”, during a pat down, I want that fucker strip searched – by everybody else in the line-up. I mean, come the fuck on, the pat down at least brings security down to a human level, mano a mano, this hurts me more than it hurts you, we’re all equal in death and pat downs. I know, I know, but what about my rights and freedoms, Sooey? Yeah, yeah – fuck off, Osama. I got your rights and freedoms. I got your rights and freedoms right here! Don’t like it? Go live in Osamastan.

Second, no, I do not think that Prince William’s engagement to a common trollop will inspire those retardo Brit-o-philes to get up at 4:00 a.m. to watch a royal wedding as happened 30 years ago. That’s because people aren’t as stupid now as they were then on account of death and demographics. And who the hell has a wonderful holiday in Africa, anyway?! Not to mention the fact that Prince William is clearly the bastard offspring of that sock smelling retrobate, Prince Andrew, his brother, Prince Harry, the offspring of that horse riding boytoy of Princess Diana’s, Major (as if) Giv’er, or whatever his name was, is. And not to be catty, but it looks like Prince William is looking to follow in the footsteps of Prince Charles in looking for mommy in marriage department. Invest in kohl futures, is my advice. In my colonial opinion, he should at least have to marry a Saudi princess to slap the palace servants around and bring some cash into London. A commoner? Commoners are a dime a dozen, ferchrissakes.

Third, and this is it until I blog about my co-workers and I inexplicably attending a motivational speaker’s conference today, we should stay in Afghanistan until we figure out a way to make money from it. Remember who we are, dammit. We’re Canadian. If we can’t log it or mine it, why the hell are we wasting our time protecting it? Okay, okay – full disclosure – as soon as I noticed the Liberals yammering on about how we should stay to train Afghani men in defence (and colour me crazy but wouldn’t it make more sense to train Afghani women in defence?) I realized someone must have discovered gold in them there hills, and sure enough, the internet is suddenly abuzz with newly discovered mineral fields in Afghanistan.

Christ. Fuck the Liberals, eh? Fuck them in the ear. Sigh. Then vote for them because, well, whaddaryagonna do? And it’s time we had a complete straight up mental case as Prime Minister, I think.

 

The Immigrants Are Coming! The Immigrants Are Coming!

Holy Hitler, Batman! I just read some of the stuff that the latest greatest politician in Norway is saying about immigrants and the effect (not good, not good at all) they are having on the good born and bred of Norway. Not to mention the effect the good born and bred of Norway are having on themselves, which is also not good, not good at all.

Apparently, according to one Siv Jensen, a 41 year old blonde blue-eyed politician on the Right, she just wants Norwegians to, “be free, to make their own decisions, to take more control of their own lives”. That’s why she’s in politics, to make them, like, “take more control of their own income as well”.

Because, yeah, nothing says freedom and more money in your pocket like a politician who wants to radically change the system of a country that has been consistently voted as having one of the highest standards of living in the world for decades.

But that’s not all Siv Jensen is about (she’s a fan of Margaret Thatcher, too, as am I but for somewhat different reasons – I’m Scottish so I have bred-in-the-bone antipathy for those pasty-arsed Brits and think it deserving that a grocer’s daughter was able to bust out of the caste system and slap their toffee-noses to the grindstone) – she’s also about what all of the honkies of Europe are about these days – stopping immigration from non-white countries, particularly Islamic theocracies.

Now, full disclosure, I’m not fan of Islamic theocracies, either, and it’s because I think a) men should not be in charge of running anything except maybe baths for women home from hard days at the office, and b) Allah is like the Fred Flintstone to God’s Ralph Kramden and since they’re both fictional characters – FUCK OFF ALREADY. But, unlike Siv Jensen, who claims to be the answer for Norwegians tired of high taxes and declining social services  – Norwegians whose brains are apparently so weakened by socialism that they think lower taxes will improve social services, so yeah, fuck you, too, you dumbassed herring picklers – I think we have a better chance of helping Muslim women escape the shackles of Islamic theocracies by letting them into our good old democracies than in shutting our doors to them.

I mean, it SOUNDS like Siv Jensen cares about freedom, and particularly women’s rights when she says things like, “We need to be better at integrating the immigrant population. I want Norway to be a free country — where everybody has the right to free speech, to experience democracy and is not afraid, where women have the same rights as a man.” But then she also thinks it should be easy to revoke citizenship for not conforming to Norwegian “laws” (I put laws in quotation marks because when she says “laws”, I think she means “culture”, unless she plans to bring in a raft of culture laws to make people embrace their freedom a little better than they seemingly do and then deport them when they fail the inevitable culture test that will be part of some sort of checkpoint system to ensure conformity with Norwegian freedom and culture laws enacted by the likes of Siv Jensen.)

But that’s really the thing I don’t get about all this criticism of Islamic immigration and how it’s wrecking our societies worse than all our social safety nets and public education systems and universal healthcare schemes could ever have imagined possible and in such a short time, too – isn’t it better to welcome Muslims who arrive on our shores than to refuse them entry and leave them to live out their lives in Islamic theocracies run by ignorant and misogynistic holy men who hate us for our slacker socialist attitudes even more than upstanding Norwegian politicians who only want to improve our standards of living and levels of freedom by reducing taxes and improving social services and deporting non-conformists like Siv Jensen do?