Saturday November 01 , 2014

Archive for August, 2011

Question

Why is the Harper Government acting like it’s the sales department for the tarsands development industry? I mean, Geez Louise, Europeans lower their greenhouse gas emissions standards and those shithawks are all over it like they’re all over anything bad for one pocketbook, good for another – Big Oil’s.

Of course, now that everybody good is dead in Syria, the European Union has decided to impose sanctions against it. And, since the EU has been getting 95% of its oil from Syria, well, I guess that’s another win for Ethical Oil.

Gosh, remember when we believed all that Liberal crap about being world citizens?

Yeah. Me, neither. I mean, maybe people who grow up insulated by wealth and privilege should shy away from making grand pronouncements on behalf of entire countries.

That’s right – I’m talking to you, P.E.T.

I mean, if we’re such a bunch of goody two-shoes, how did Stephen Harper end up with a majority Conservative government? Eh? Eh? Answer me that. Oh! Oh! You can’t. Because you’re dead. Just like Jack Layton who thought Canadians were better than we are.

And while I’m on the subject, why should it be up to the Harper Government to protect third world workers from Canada’s asbestos exports, anyway? I mean, what are their governments so busy being good at that they can’t do it?

Eh? Eh? Seriously, WHY IS EVERYBODY AND HIS UNCLE STILL PRETENDING IT’S UP TO US TO BE THE GOOD GUYS?!

Cripes, step up third world – you want our industries to outsource all our jahbs!jahbs!jahbs to you and then have our government handle all your occupational health and safety complaints, too? Uh, excuse me but we have a saying in these parts – a hand up, not a hand out. You’re getting our asbestos. It’s up to you to do the rest.

Time to get with the new normal, people. And always remember – nobody ever got rich being good.

Everybody sing, “We’re in the money, we’re in the money, we’ve got a lot of what it takes to get along!”

 

Overheard on the Bus – Honest

“Hey! When did you get out?”

“Well, I was out for a while, eh, since the last time you saw me. But yeah, then I had some shit happen and I was back in. I’m out now, though, so yeah.”

“So, how’s it goin’?”

“Sucks, man. Cindy left, eh. Took the kids, too. Bitch even sold my truck. And she got totally screwed on it. Two grand and it was worth, like, five – easy. I’m really pissed off at her for that, eh, because it was like two months ago. She should’ve waited.”

“Where’d she go?”

“Up north, back to where she’s from. I think. Yeah. I think she’s from there, anyway. I dunno. I mean, I was in prison, it’s not like I was cheatin’ on her. Bitch fuckin’ broke up with me while I was in prison. I miss her, though. It’s really hard.”

“Hey, man, what happened to your throat?”

“Yeah, well, I don’t wanna get into it. Long story. Shit happens.”

“Looks wicked.”

“Yeah. It’s fucked up, man. I can’t smoke now. Some asshole stabs me in the throat and now I can’t smoke.”

“I can’t believe I ran into you like this. I’m glad you’re not dead, anyways.”

“Yeah. Not dead. Haha – I can’t die now because I told my kids I was comin’ up there as soon as I’m off parole. Fuckin’ bitch, Cindy. They’re livin’ in, like, the Arctic. She’s not even Indian or whatever. It’s gonna cost a fortune to visit. It’ll probably take me a couple of years to get the money together for a new truck.”

“That’s rough. So, do you talk to them on the phone?”

“Naw, man – skype. My brother’s all set up with that shit. Computer, car, no kids, no girlfriend, he can do whatever, man, he’s smart. I’m just gonna focus, then go visit my kids.”

“She’s got a computer, though?”

“She’s livin’ with some guy. He’s got a computer, sets it up so the kids can talk to me. He’s okay I guess. She met him up there. Nurses meet guys like crazy, eh. That’s how I met her, at work. Well, she was at work. Haha – I was just visiting.”

“My stop. See ya ’round, eh. I don’t have a phone right now.”

“Me neither. So yeah, I guess I’ll see ya when I see ya.”

 

So What’s New in News?

A friend of mine, the fellow who runs my website, is convinced that the Islamic Menace is real. The thing is, I’m pretty sure he’d think it was real with or without 9/11. The reason I say that is because he’s British, spent his formative years in Virginia, and identifies with the politics of Mark Steyn/David Warren, Michael Coren/Ezra Levant. In fact, he recently discovered Ann Coulter, whom he must have been ignoring because she’s female (he believes women have nothing to offer society beyond motherhood) and now he’s in love.

I told him Ann doesn’t swing that way (humans), but he’ll have none of it. He’s even willing to overlook the barrenness (womb, not bank account), so much does he admire her insight into the evil of lefties, feminists and muslims.

Now, normally, when I read someone with whom I don’t agree, I just assume they don’t really mean it and tsk tsk about how people will write anything for money. That’s because I went to university with a couple of pundits, brothers, actually, who regularly pontificate on matters left, feminist, etc, from the point of view of Conservatives.

And while they may pretend to believe what they’re saying, I’m here to tell you that they don’t really. They’re making a living, that’s all. The reason I know this is because neither of them is particularly stupid, one of them even dated a really cool friend of mine for a while, so he couldn’t be stupid or she wouldn’t have given him the time of day. The other one hung out a lot with another friend of mine, doing drugs, and she wouldn’t have hung out with him and she certainly wouldn’t have done drugs with him, if he was stupid.

Although, yes, most girls will put up with an incredible amount of stupid to hang out with boys. But my friends had no shortage of boys to hang out with, so these two brothers must have had a bit more on the go than the others.

They’re a couple of brothers who come from relative privilege, I believe their father was a professor, and they make money saying shit they couldn’t possibly believe is true because, well, it’s a living. Hell, I wrote columns for the Ottawa Citizen and the more I gave them what they wanted, the more money I made. After a while, though, the money to say what I didn’t really believe wasn’t worth it, not because I was trading my integrity for money, but because it wasn’t for enough money.

See? I’m here to tell you the truth for free – because that’s the only way it can be done. As soon as you’re being paid, it’s all just a matter of how much you’ll compromise as to how much you’ll make. Compromise enough and you can even get on tv.

Although, women have to look good, too. Gawd. As Gilda Radner so famously said, “It’s always something.”

That was Gilda Radner… right? Cripes, I hope it wasn’t Mother Theresa taking money from Papa Doc or Princess Diana in the crashed car or Cher pulling Sonny’s squashed head out of that tree or I’ll look like some kind of petulant psycho bitch from Nazifemabortionville.

How many times do I have to tell you, Sooey, “Don’t smoke a joint halfway through a post!”

“Ah, shaddup! I’ll post how I want, Ma! I ain’t gettin’ paid, no how!”

Anyway, I want to post this theory that I arrived at after reading an expose by a couple of exposers about the small group of people they say are behind the very loud and ongoing media campaign against Islam. Because, c’mon, you can deny that there’s not a good reason for that campaign, but you can’t, in all honesty (and remember, we don’t know how much you don’t possess, but we know it’s less than full – because you’re being paid) deny that there isn’t a very loud and ongoing media campaign against Islam.

So, there’s a very loud and ongoing media campaign against Islam. That’s my jumping off point because it’s the truth and I’m saying it for free so you can trust me that my jumping off point is that this campaign exists, at least.

But why? Is it because truthful people are sounding the alarm to a peaceful rational people, their people, about another warlike crazy people sneaking up on them from behind?

No. No it is not. It is because certain people need more money to live the lifestyles to which they’ve become accustomed (most often these days through inheritance – not that I’m implying anything by that bitchy wisecrack) than do others. I’m crazy frugal like a 10-year old j-cloth. That’s my problem, see? I tell the truth TOO MUCH!! I’ll tell you the truth about my itchy anus if I think it’s going to win me a truth award. I’ll re-use that frayed strand of dental floss – my dead grandma’s frayed strand of dental floss – for another month if it means you can trust me to tell you the truth.

Everything in our society is driven by money. And money, as we all know, for the media, comes from advertisers. And what does Islam have that Christianity, which has Christmas, the holiest of Western religious holidays and by far and away the biggest retail bonanza in the entire history of the known world, doesn’t have?

Ramadan. Islam has Ramadan. And during Ramadan, adherents don’t eat, drink or perform unnecessary activities. In other words, here’s this group of people, who are not of your group of people (your people shit money earned by selling out truth to advertising) who threaten to dry it all up, what with their austere religion that doesn’t have a shopping holiday in it which means there’s nothing else to do but hide the salami, which means that, eureka!, demographically, your wallet is screwed. (Could be screwed – remember, we only know that the anti-Islam campaign is being waged, we can’t be sure why – this is just my new theory.) Plus, conveniently, some of the countries that lay claim to the religion also lay claim to some hugely barbaric practices, real primitive stuff like SLOW death penalties – often without a trial, let alone a fair one, and crazy out-of-proportion jail terms and denial of women’s rights based on the preachings of a deity.

As you can see, a lot of rationalizing can be done to grease the slide.

And you know, it makes a certain sense, too, economically. After all, our entire economy is predicated on the consumer model, “There’s a sucker born every minute.” (P.T. Barnum? Mark Carney? Gosh, I hope it wasn’t Obama…) And, “It’s all selling soap.” (Izzy Asper? Dove?) And – Christmas! Imagine being overtaken, demographically, by a group of colonizers – or worse, immigrants – who don’t celebrate Christmas because they adhere to a religion that observes Ramadan!

Cripes, even Christianity is anti-Christmas, which is why George W. Bush had to declare it the PATRIOTIC duty of every American citizen to go shopping after 9/11 – you’d have Christians joining Muslims to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas through Ramadan. (Moron Jr. was so right – can you imagine what would have happened if people hadn’t gone shopping – did they, by the way? – and instead stopped in their cars on the way to the mall after the twin towers came down to think  about how they were choosing to live their lives? “Cats and dogs living together!” to quote Bill Murray in Ghostbusters – II?) Imagine what Muslims think of Christmas. Geez Louise. I mean, seriously, if you’re in any way, shape or form a caring human being, Christmas is an abomination. Satanic, almost, in its orgy of excess and celebration of sin. (If sin is defined as buying stuff one doesn’t need because one is so lazy and spoiled that one doesn’t want to not buy stuff one doesn’t need.)

So there you go, everybody. Can you imagine what would happen if we all stopped buying stuff we didn’t need? Of course there’s an anti-Islam media campaign afoot – BUT – it’s not driven by ideology. It’s driven by financial need. What’s worse is, the media people telling you they want to put a stop to it, they’re being  paid, too!  And, as we all know, it only takes ONE of that group to cancel out 100 of the other group. Which is why the media employs so many pundits of the first group. It has to balance it somehow, right? But we know now that the ONE can’t really be trusted to tell the truth any more than can the 100 – because she’s being paid, too. In fact, she, as the ONE, is so powerful that the same media has to employ 100 of the other to equal her ONE.

She’s telling you whatever because she gets paid, not because it’s the truth. See? She’s become accustomed to a certain standard of living and has to keep it. And yet, here’s the spin – she’s a professional, like… a lawyer or police officer or prostitute. And because the word “professional” is almost synonymous with “tells the truth”, there’s a code whereby she must not reveal her sources (which begs the question: why do we always end up knowing  sources – often through sources and the books they write about being sources?) See, she’s not paid to tell the truth, she’s paid to say what advertisers want you to hear. Advertisers will pay 100 pundits to shout down the anti-Christmasers – and – pay the ONE to talk down the Armaggedonists, who really aren’t good for business, either.

We’re too big to fail and the whole thing depends on a good shopping season.

Tomorrow, I’ll explain string theory.

 

Tall, White and Male Leader Wanted

Oddry McGlocklin is, was, and always will be my favourite political leader of any party in any country at any time in history. I’m definite about Oddry like I’m not definite about anything or anybody else (except my kids – awesome – best kids ever!). And thinking of her, I  realize why I came to admire Jack Layton, in spite of his Jackish Laytonness. He got it. He understood. He spoke to Sooey and more or less said, with every fiber of his political being, “I’m tall, white and male. I can not only afford to give back, but I will give back. I will be that guy, that tall, white and male politician who fights for everybody who isn’t tall, white and male. And I will dare every tall, white and male politician to do better.”

 

Back from the Dead

Okay, everybody, now that Ezra Levant has shown up on Sun TV wearing a bright orange wig and drinking orange crush (Michael Coren, clearly against what’s left of his better judgment, took a sip from the same can) as his way of mocking the public reaction to the death of Jack Layton, I think it’s time to remind ourselves that he’s the genius behind the term “Ethical Oil”.

My sister has been trying to point out to all and sundry for years that all we have as consumers is the illusion of choice, not real choice. And if you listen very carefully, you’ll notice that Stephen Harper says it, too, he just doesn’t see that as a bad thing.

Think about it. When was the last time you heard Stephen Harper express the possibility that there was a better way to do business, that we didn’t have to rely on the same old same old oil and gas industry to meet our energy wants?

Now, he’s not actually to blame for how we do business because, the sad and sorry fact is that Liberal government after Liberal government after Liberal government didn’t so much compromise with the oil and gas industry as become compromised by it. Everybody who is anybody in this country, politically, is connected to the oil and gas industry.

We (my beau and I) live in Ottawa and recently bought a house that’s connected to other houses and we all pay a common’s fee to replace the same old same old asphalt tile roof with another same old same old asphalt tile roof.  We all have natural gas furnaces and our supplier is Enbridge and we all rent hot water heaters from Direct Energy.

I can’t tell you how much I despise Direct Energy and how appalled I was to see its unbelievably less than legitimate name on my Enbridge bill. That’s because Direct Energy is one of those companies I dealt with back in the days when Mike Harris (<phitoo>) was Premier and went about de-regulating gas distribution to create jahbs!jahbs!jahbs! for his sleazy no account buddies in bad business. Some one of the crowd of ex-cons and out-of-work carnies who came to our door, back when I was living the suburban dream with my ex, signed us up – without our agreement or signatures or even awareness – and it was only by a fluke that I happened to notice that there was another name on our Consumers Gas bill.

That sent me on a perilous adventure into the murky underworld of business in Mike Harris’ (<phitoo>) Ontario from which none of us will ever return. The reason for that is because the crooks are in charge now. There is no legitimacy to the energy business, the stuff of Canada’s bread and butter – none. And there’s no choice. You either get one less than legitimate operator or you get another and they’re all selling the same old same old.

Take Enbridge, for example – please. Consumers Gas, once it was done selling our account numbers or whatever happened such that a bunch of  less than legitimate operators were able to sign people up to their services, such as they were, without their knowledge, was taken over. Enbridge is Consumers Gas now, from what I understand. And Enbridge is the kind of horrible awful gut wrenchingly evil outfit that fucks over family farmers.

Yes. That’s right – family farmers, who are an endangered species and not likely to survive the onslaught of the factory farm that produces beef like it produces carrots and from which we will soon have NO CHOICE but to buy our food. See, Enbridge gets its greasy mits on natural gas by a scurrilous practice known as fracking. It’s cheap and easy and Enbridge doesn’t give a shit that it poisons the water wells of lots and lots of farmers. And when I say lots and lots, I mean lots and lots, but not enough to scare Enbridge into paying proper compensation or stop the practice of fracking.

Enbridge, from whom we all seem to get our natural gas, is further eliminating consumer choice by poisoning the well water of family farmers – get it? Lack of choice breeds more lack of choice – all supported in full measure by the tax dollars we, the very citizens and consumers being shafted by the lack of choice, send to our government in Ottawa.

And you’ll notice that the bottom line argument in favour of developing the tarsands in Alberta is, “Here’s the choice: oil by riskier and riskier deep water drilling or oil from an Arab country that stones women to death and hangs homosexuals or oil taken out of the ground in the most environmentally unsustainable way possible right here in good old Alberta, Canada.”

That’s not much of a choice and yet, supposedly, industry is all about consumer choice. Supposedly, Conservatives are all about choice, too – for consumers, that is. Citizens are another story and I certainly can’t see that all those prisons the government plans to build are going to do much to increase our choices, either, if you know what I mean.

So back to Jack Layton and that outpouring of emotion in the wake of his untimely passing. It was his consistent and very political (however out of step with same old same old politics it was) message to Canadians that, no, we don’t have to put up with the same old same old. We can change the channel, we can do better, we can vote for politicians who don’t have a vested interest in making sure that change doesn’t happen, that the same old same old will crowd out choice with the weight of heavily compromised power.

And that, dear readers, is what’s really shaking up Ezra Levant (not that he isn’t a consummate professional who will switch teams in a heartbeat to shill for the highest bidder). Jack Layton has turned out to be the little boy who told the crowd, “But, the emperor isn’t wearing any clothes!”

No, just an orange wig.