Archive for September, 2011
The Tale of the Royal Baird’s Cards
I had a breakthrough this evening that I’d like to share. I was thinking back on growing up a middle-class white child in Northern Ontario when I realized that I, you, we were the victims of systemic and unrelenting discrimination, prey to a violation of our personhood, thanks to the invention of television .
Every single solitary TV quark absorbed by our still growing young brains told us that we weren’t good enough, that we were <lesser than<, that we didn’t matter because we weren’t in technicolor.
All on account of we were Canadians, not Americans. We lived in Canada, not TV.
I mean, really, think about it. TV was as, probably more than, precious to us then, as it is to kids now. But kids now are way less Canadian-ish. Not only do they not feel like Canada is the “and she has such a pretty face, too” of North America because on our game shows the winner goes home with a carryall while on their game shows the winner goes to Disneyland in a brand new car with bags of $$$s, but they can buy all the other products advertised during them, too.
Back in our day, nothing ever advertised on TV was even available in Canada. In fact, I think all commercials came with that very disclaimer: Not Available in Canada.
Things have changed. That’s why I’m curious as to why John Baird, Foreign Affairs Minister, would be so embarrassed to be from Canada – now. I mean, yes, the rest of us are embarrassed – now - for non-TV-related reasons minus Ezra Levant, but why is John Baird embarrassed?
Also, why are Cabinet Ministers giving out business cards? Why are ANY politicians giving out business cards? I mean, really. The Minister of Foreign Affairs is handing out business cards like a Vegas hooker – that look like the business cards of a Vegas hooker. Why? What kind of businessman would do business with a sitting Cabinet Minister who hands out business cards that look like they should come with a condom?
And where is the public service in this latest swipe at the official rules and regulations by a politician? Isn’t it anybody at the top’s job to enforce government policies, anymore? Or was that the responsibility of all those government scientists recently laid off?
Did ANY Deputy Ministers get axed in the latest round of axing? And since the answer is no, why not? What does that huge insulating layer of senior public service management do all day, anyway?
Wouldn’t it be kind of embarrassing for senior public service management if an assistant clerk in the printroom had held up a copy of the Government Policy on Minister’s Business Cards (GPMBC) and refused the order? And when his agency contract was terminated a couple of years after word got back to the Minister he went to the media with the GPMBC and the cards story and the media put two and two together and tweeted about it to each other?
Imagine being THAT Deputy Minister, the one who didn’t do anything to stop the Minister from handing out Vegas-hooker-ish business cards.
I mean, really. After a while, it’s hard to blame politicians for behaving badly when nobody ever says, “No! Bad politician! Get away from that free pile of money!” or “Hm… why do YOU think an intelligent and good looking much younger Chinese lady SPY would be interested in you, not-even-a Minister?” or “And when Charles is King?” or “Aren’t you supposed to wait a year, uh, like, after you’re OUT of office, before doing business with the government, Minister?”
You know, The Old Monster and Paul Martin made much more drastic cuts to the public service than anything proposed by the New Conservatives. And the layer they cut was clerks and administrative assistants, leaving the public service a little top heavy, if you catch my drift.
Certainly, clerks and administrative assistants couldn’t do much worse than senior management in getting our political leaders to follow their own official policies.
True, there’s nothing new to indicate that you didn’t misappropriate $50 million earmarked for border bullshit. (Wouldn’t you like to go back in time and head butt our Official Oppositions, Canada?) And there’s nothing new to indicate that you didn’t spend it on a bunch of useless junk for your own riding. (And where are the moderates of Muskoka to speak up about this tasteless and tacky waste of their money and ours, by the way? Hello? Muskokians? Raise your hand if you had a share in the spoils.)
What’s new is that you used to just be in charge of Industry and one pot of gold. Sure, Industry can be like a big slush fund – but at least it’s a slush fund for lots of businesses, across the country-like. (And even then, it’s still no Public Works.) But now you’re in charge of ALL the gold. (Indeed, fellow Canadians, wouldn’t you like to head butt Stephen Harper for making Tony Clement President of Treasury Board? I mean, a proof is a proof and all that, but – c’mon. I bet even Tony Clement is overwhelmed by the opportunity.)
What’s not new, too, is that you got away with it because Stephen Harper is the Prime Minister at the head of a minority government. So, while you’re President of Treasury Board in a majority government led by Stephen Harper, I suggest a support group is in order: Misappropriators of Public Funds Anonymous.
Also, and this isn’t new to me because I’m from Sault Ste. Marie where Joe Fratezi was once mayor, but I don’t think most Canadians had any idea that mayors are such bullies. So that’s gotta be new for a lot of Canadians following this story (Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?) And sleazy, too. Mayors are an unconscionably sleazy lot, it seems.
So, like, is anybody investigating the Mayor of Muskoka for, oh, I dunno – aiding and abetting in the misappropriation of public funds? Or even just seeming, oh, I dunno – slightly less than legitimate, what with the whole, you’d better get me that money and get me that money NOW, Tony, thing?
Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
Go Home, Royal David Cameron!
Is it me or did Stephen Harper just predict a global recession. I mean, seriously, what will be your next prediction, Mr. Prime Minister – a War on Terror?
Gee, our own Nostradamus. He should hang out a shingle on Parliament Hill. Make lots of $$$s.
But why is Royal David Cameron here? And why were Royal he and Stephen Harper laying wreaths and posing for pictures at downtown Ottawa war memorials?
Enough already. Royal Buddy’s got a Royal shitload to deal with back in Original Royal, Royal Jolly Old. And as my momma always told me, we got our quota of shiftless Royal civil servants from the Royal mother after the war. I say we keep our beady colonial eyes on Royal him. A global recession is no time to allow in more Royal civil servants, unless we want to let in triple the third world refugees to run the fish and chip stands.
It’s not so much one is too many as one WAS too many. Just look at the demographics of the civil service. We let in more Royal immigrants and we may as well say goodbye to any hope of a public/private workforce balance. Anyway, no offense, eh, but global recessions call for strict quotas on Royal immigration, in my opinion.
Anyway, on another non-Royal topic, sort of , Ezra Levant, professional clown, is accusing Feminists of not being onside with the development of the tarsands because, he says, we don’t support women’s rights in Saudi Arabia. Which is eerily reminiscent of an accusation by Mark Steyn, professional bullshitter, that Feminists weren’t onside with the War on Terror, because, he said, we didn’t support women’s rights in Afghanistan.
Actually, you two spendthrifts, Feminists aren’t onside the transfer of the money from the public purse into a handful of private wallets. And we don’t like Conservative boondoggles because we prefer progress, both social and economic. And I think we can both agree that Conservative governments net us zero progress.
By the way, the purse —> wallet bit was deliberate. That’s because – I. Am. Feminist.
And it’s true, I can shrivel balls in a single glance.
So here’s the thing, I want someone, anyone, to put Royal David Cameron on a Royal Challenger, or whatever’s sitting around on the tarmac, waiting for a vacation emergency or joyriding opportunity, and send him back home. Because when times get tough, it’s time to give the old heave ho to Royal visitors.
Oh, and haha, Einstein – you snooze, you looze. Something nobody who isn’t a nerd understands is faster than light.
How Much Is Too Much?
Everywhere I look, I see Saudi Arabia, now.
And doesn’t it strike you as a tad ungracious that, now that we have oil to sell to the Americans, we’re all “Nyah, Nyah”, to the Saudi Arabian government, and re-invigorating the non-conspiracy conspiracy theory that it was behind 9/11?
I mean, “Holy Father of Mohammed (Allah)”, they must be saying, “Don’t you people ever get over ANYTHING?! It’s been ten years already, Praise be to Allah.”
Why can’t we just legitimately compete like how it’s supposed to be in the Utopia of the Free Market, you know, like, where the winner of Capitalism is whoever produced the best product at the lowest cost to everyone and yet made enough money to continue on doing business for another day – like the perpetual motion machine. What’s with the “we’re ethical, they’re evil” advertising campaign, anyway? I mean, no wonder they’re threatening to sue any media that carries the EthicalOil.org commercials – they took out the Heart (Brain?) of New York City (i.e. America, where everybody in the world wants to go) because… uh… oh yeah, THEY DON’T LIKE FREEDOM!!!! And part of not liking freedom is, NOT LIKING FREE SPEECH!!!1
But nobody, nooooobody, likes someone who throws sand in the face of his competition to win!!!!!
So yeah, time to put up the old paypal account, Oprah (she’s carrying commercials, produced by EthicalOil.org, something involving Ezra Levant, that throw Saudi Arabia’s whole “women? what women” thing right back in its patriarchal old face like so much… uh… sand – Sand in the House of Saud, as it were).
By the way, Ezra Levant, if you’re reading this, remember, Oprah got Obama elected First Black President of the United States, so, I think if you’ve got Oprah on board with development of the tarsands, you should send a $100,000,000,000 donation to the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls in South Africa or the Mississippi Animal Rescue League – or – the Clinton Foundation, which supports many causes including treating HIV and AIDS and fighting climate change.
See? That’s what I keep saying about bloggers just out to blog – and everybody else. You can trust us to be doing it because we believe it’s the right thing to do (either that, or we’re just lonely and deluded). But you can’t trust anyone who does it for money, no matter what ‘it” is, to be doing it because it’s the right thing to do, or good necessarily, or even because it’s ethical. That’s because money compromises people. It’s the reverse of guns and people. People don’t compromise people, money compromises people.
Anyway, I’m juss sayin’, Oprah didn’t get to be the richest person in America by backing a losing proposition, so don’t screw up, Ezra Levant. You get her sued and you’ll be sorry. So you’d better be telling the truth about those Saudis or look out.
Although, I mean, really, they already took out the Heart (capital “H”, not small “h”) of America, and ten years later we’re still like the Who down in Whoville, singing “Fahoo fores dahoo dores Welcome Christmas come this way”, except that instead of no presents, we’re shopping our asses off, in debt up to our eyeballs, housing bubbles everywhere, stock markets teetering on the brink, fraud rampant (and yet crime is miraculously down, which means that all the crime must be being committed by CEOs, rogue traders, and Senators), a million television channels and yet nothing worth watching because it’s all owned by one mean old man.
And who knows, too, maybe they’re not as rich as we think they are and they need money to carry out their next attack and they’re just lookin’ for somebody to sue because, well, how much does it cost to rent a rogue trader for the hour?
But that’s just it, isn’t it – how much did even those Islamacist (nope, still gets the computer’s red squiggly “u spelt it wrong, stupid humahn” line under it) boxcutters, etc, cost, anyway? I mean, even if the Terrorists! lived and worked for several years in the United States, it’s not like they were living in ritzy condos or ranch-style sidesplits – what kind of dent would it put in the side of a kingdom to keep them in Islamacist style?
A couple of princesses sold to Japanese crazy bitch voyeurs? There are scads of Saudi Arabian princesses – scads. A dime a dozen. Although, you do have to watch them around your servants – very slappy.
So yeah, that’s the problem with Saudi Arabia suddenly being in the news. It brings back memories, constantly now, of the biggest non-conspiracy conspiracy, as I keep saying now that I thought of it – you know, that Saudi Arabia was behind 9/11. Except that, now I don’t see why Saudi Arabia-type-money would be required for a bunch of guys to live in poverty for a few years, take some flight lessons in Florida, and buy some boxcutters. Okay, fake passports, I guess. And plane tickets, I assume. But still, I just don’t see the need for Saudi Arabia-type-money for that stuff.
I mean, really, I can’t see why the Terrorists! couldn’t have pretty much financed all that by themselves.
I also really don’t see the why of it, the more I think about Saudi Arabia and 9/11. So, there’s “who” (“when” is kind of irrelevant because it could have been any time, really, unless fire broke out on one of the upper floors and the building collapsed from the ground up and the attack had to be switch to, say, the UN or The Hague or Disneyland) and “why” that are missing in the non-conspiracy conspiracy theory that Saudi Arabia was behind 9/11.
And really, wouldn’t it be awful if Saudi Arabia WASN’T behind 9/11 – that the real culprits just made it look as if it was? Omigawd. It’d be like every Hollywood movie ever made, wouldn’t it? With Saudi Arabia, all this time, either unaware that we thought it had tried to take out the Heart of America – or – aware but unable to warn us, “No! No! Look behind you! The real culprit is right behind you! LOOKOWWWWWT!”
I dunno. I guess what I’m really trying to say here is, when you’re making a living spinning “ethical” out of oil, you really should try to keep a lower profile.
Please. At least until the last <blub blub blub> of that tiny little island nation drowning in the Pacific has died away.