Rock, Paper, Scissors Folks

My apologies, dear Sooey Says reader(s), I’ve been writing offline. Mama’s gonna try an’ bring home the bacon by publishing a collection of amusing (mostly) anecdotes.

Okay. You can stop laughing now.

But seriously – stop laughing. I have one under my belt already (and I’ve only been been unemployed in a government town that is laying off people far better qualified than me for public service for a little while) and will start the next one tomorrow. Don’t tell my ex, but he’s gonna be famous.

Just kidding. He stars in my opening yarn, though. And really, it’s kind of funny/sad how typical we both come across in this heartrending tale of two crazy kids who get together too young and keep digging until the lawyers take over the shovels.

People shouldn’t get married ’til death do us part. We should get married for a period of time, say, 3 years, then either renew the marriage or go back to dating.

Or change names, leave town and start over with someone else. Or not. Whatever. No more ’til death do us part. It’s a downer and only makes people feel like failures when their marriages collapse under the weight of bitter recriminations that some asshole will write a book about a decade later.

Heh, I’m kind of glad we had all those baskety years together now. But I’m like that. I can make anything worthwhile, financially. And, I can live on peanuts, so almost everything works out.

Oh, and there’s the kids, of course. Because there’s nothing like having kids to give one a sense of accomplishment. That’s why I admire the kid-less set so much, they don’t need kids to do something worthwhile with their lives. Of course, I admire the kid-less who don’t worry about doing anything worthwhile with their lives even more.

It’s worthwhile livers what cause unrest in the rest of us.

Honestly, I would kill to not give a shit.

Oops, I’ve said too much.

New topic announcement

A Facebook friend is being very hilarious about the word “folks” today. She describes it as “the lawn ornament of words”. I’ve hated the word “folks” since George W. Bush started using it to subliminally seduce Americans into thinking they were simpletons: “The people who did this act on America, and who may be planning further acts, are evil people. They don’t represent an ideology, they don’t represent a legitimate political group of people. They’re flat evil.That’s all they can think about, is evil. And as a nation of good folks, we’re going to hunt them down, and we’re going to find them, and we will bring them to justice.”

Oh dear, now I’ve dragged the Middle East into it.

New topic announcement

Another friend on Facebook, a hilarious woman I don’t know in real life at all (she could be that tricky pedophile who disguises himself as a middle-aged homemaker on the internet the police are always warning all and sundry about for all I know) posted a mandate that “all future clashes between peoples be solved with Rock, Paper, scissors”.

I noticed the lack of a capital on “scissors” right away, so I posted back, “Nice to know you don’t care about the victims of the rockets being fired by the OTHER side”.

See, the beauty of that rejoinder is that I don’t say which side is which or where. I’m hoping we can make some internet sparks fly when the folks who don’t have a clue weigh in. She’s lost FB friends over less. Well, not less to them – religion.

She’s an outspoken atheist. One of those science lovin’ folks who posts about evolution and space and all that crap I know nothing about on account of my damned left-handedness and super girly brain full of pink swirls and orange doodads.

Yes. It’s true. The logic side of my brain looks like the 60s to the creative side of my brain.

Ooh, just realized I’m referencing my first short story for my upcoming moneymaker again. Such a tease. Soon (I’ve given myself a birthday deadline just this very second – so this winter) to be a blockbuster for sale at your local Chapters.

Haha – local Chapters. Sure – if you have a fully gassed up tank.

But yeah, I’ll probably do that thing everybody else is doing. I’m kidding about the money. My kids are young adults now and I’m back to square one trying to become accomplished at something. I don’t think they plan to inherit anything. I’ve told them about how disappointing their grandmother is turning out to be inheritance-wise. Cripes, if she lives any longer her kids are going to have to start supporting her.

Effin’ senior’s residences. Thanks for stealing my inheritance, assholes!

New topic announcement

The current… war?… in?… Israel (because it’s not really “The Middle East” since it’s all happening in Israel) is depressing for all sane folks, I think. But seeing the pictures of the children, as Gazans bring out their dead, is oddly clarifying. War is folks killing other folks’ kids until one side “wins”.

Or, in the case of Israel, which “won” several decades ago now, until the folks living in Gaza are all dead, I guess.

Still, as depressing as the state of Israel has become for sane folks, to me the  disaster in the Gulf was more depressing (of Mexico, not the Gulf war, which was barely depressing at all, so mercifully short was it, and notice how the folks at the top of the American heap of folks complained so much about how mercifully short it was that they could barely contain themselves when the opportunity was presented by the 9/11 evil-doers to re-start it so it’d be good and long).

Really, seeing the image of that underwater gushing oil just kills me every time it’s replayed on the news. But it was ecocide, wasn’t it. Unintentional, sure, but even when you do just a little bit of the math… well… what some folks think is a sane way to get oil and gas to market really isn’t at all, is it.

New topic announcement

Whoa, the tarsands, eh? What the hell is a Green Party candidate doing in the running for a federal seat in Calgary Center? I mean, seriously, that effin’ CPC isn’t even going to have to rev up the CIMS cheat machine for this one, so split is that vote going to be.

Conservative Crockatt wins it with 1/3 of the votes cast. How’s that for a prediction?

But that’s just how squirrelly politics have become, I think. Because if everybody in Calgary Center is pro-tarsands development in one way or another, who gives a shit who wins because we all lose. The entire world. Everybody. That’s because developing the tarsands at all isn’t sane.

And the reason it isn’t sane is all around us. To paraphrase my ex, who used to joke, “You’re doing that wrong” – “We’re all doing that wrong”.

Except I’m not joking because it’s really not very funny anymore, is it. I mean, our folks go on and on about Iran’s folks developing a nuclear weapon, as if we aren’t ready to throw the world’s climate under the bus to develop the tarsands and then use the ensuing product to fuel more folks killing other folks’ kids.

And that’s one really good thing about cyber space, as opposed to real space – it brings clarity to the reality of some folks to other folks.

New topic announcement

Well, back to work. Wish me luck. I’m moving on to the time I went to Venezuela and lived with some folks I figured were just like me, and they were, except that they lived in a corrugated tin hut on the side of a mountain.

Lucky for me I have a photographic memory because, yes, dear Sooey Says reader(s), I didn’t bring my camera. The only two pictures I have of me and Ramon were taken by someone else. One in which he’s kissing me and looking at the camera like he’s auditioning for “The Bachelor”, the other we’re both sitting there staring down at a table and looking very sad.

The thing about this story is going to be that it’s like the upside down parallel universe version of me and my ex. To be honest, I think it’s because he didn’t speak any English at all and every time I tried to speak the teeny tiny bit of Spanish I knew, it came out as grade 11 French.

I blame those pink and orange swirly doodads.


  1. Ha! sign me up for a copy. Ever thought of sourcing funds for your project through indigogo or some other such method? We’d likely be good FB pals, but you’ve probably guessed that this isn’t my real name, so I’d be hard to find there ;)

    This is a real email address though! Keep writing.

  2. Sold. For $1,000,000. Thanks, man – owe you one.

    I did guess that. It’s already hard to keep track of who’s on my FB. I mostly just added requests from people who post on Antonia Zerbisias’ FB. Now there are too many people. I should cull, but I don’t want to hurt any feelings. And really, it doesn’t matter.

  3. How do I get a “Sooey code”?

  4. Ah…when Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

  5. The more egregious use of “folks” by Dubya was when he said (right after 9/11) that the U.S. would “conduct a full-scale investigation to hunt down and find those folks who committed this act.” …the “folks” who committed this act. Because when it’s more folksy to folks around with the word “folks”, even terrorists are “folks”. God the English language becomes a pile of shit in the mouths of politicians. Obama lost that halo-glow in my eyes when he, too, started spitting that particularly rancid turd out of his mouth almost as indiscriminately as his predecessor.