Raining News – Updated

Omigawd, is it raining news today or what?

What do you get when you cross Mark Carney with Rob Ford?

A Royal Flush.

I don’t get it yet but I wanted to be the first to post it, anyway.

I never really got the big deal about Mark Carney, though, to tell you the truth. I mean, all he seemed to do was call press conferences to tell us he was holding interest rates steady.

Yeah. Whatever, dude. While we’re paying you to do that, could you make up some jobs for us, please?

And what happens when Stephen Harper appoints an Alberta Conservative as Canada’s “bank” guv’nah, anyway? Won’t he just give all our money to those rapacious tarsands developers?

I nominate Rob Anders. At least he’ll just go to sleep.

I never really got the big deal about Rob Ford, either. The guy’s obviously just the sort of asshat other asshats want to be the mayor – plus on drugs. Meanwhile, there’s all this phony baloney about how David Miller was part of the leftie elite and that’s why a bunch of asshats voted for an asshat to be the mayor as soon as they had the chance.

Well, I met David Miller (he bought me a glass of wine at a fest he stumbled upon when he was running for mayor) and he sure didn’t strike me as part of no leftie elite. Cripes, I was drunker’n a skunk, offering him all kinds of political advice, right down to a series of dance moves from our grade five production of Thoroughly Modern Millie. Guy can’t hold his liquor, though, he was off home before I even finished the Charleston.

Still, very personable. Rob Ford? Cripes, the only woman I’ve ever seen him with he was giving the finger to. If you’re not one of his fancy shmancy Donny Brascos, fuhgeddabouddit.

I just wish I could remember all the secrets David Miller’s aide spilled that night. Secret spilling interspersed with, “Oh no, you’re from Frank magazine aren’t you. I just know it. You’re going to print all this stuff I’m telling you and David’s campaign will be ruined. Please don’t do this to me. I beg you.”

And then he’d tell me about another escapade involving David Miller. Meanwhile, there was a guy from Frank magazine at the fest, but he was off in another part of the bar listening to fans of the magazine complain about its price, style, and content.

Head’s up to political satire magazine publishers: There’s no pleasing your fans, so don’t even try. And either make money or don’t, but my friend who makes lots of money doing social media marketing (I think that’s what she does, anyway, but I’m not really sure) says, “Do a print edition and go on Dragon’s Den”.

There. Don’t ever say I didn’t try to help. And Kevin O’Leary will vote you down because he thinks online is the shit. But he’s wrong, take it from me, Sooey Says. You’re doing Dragon’s Den for buzz, anyway.

And if Kevin O’Leary is so smart, why doesn’t he have his own network, instead of just being on CBC 24/7.

But it would be fun to see what a political satire magazine would make of the news on Monday, November 26, 2012, what with goody two shoes Carney, now known as the Royal Mark Carney, I guess, swanning off to the Jolly Old Bank of England, and Rob Fucking Ford sneaking out the back door of a courthouse, having just been declared slightly less than legitimate by a judge.

Or do you ignore Mark Carney and Rob Ford and make fun of everybody else, both Mark Carney and Rob Ford somehow being beyond parody, at least to me.

How many pictures can you print of Mark Carney, sitting at one of his press conferences (did we pay him extra for those?) talking about holding interest rates down (yeah, whatever, dude – jobs?) and then having a good laugh at politicians for being a bunch of clowns – with a “What, me worry?” caption under them.

I mean, certainly the sight of Jim Flaherty announcing the leave-taking of Mark Carney is hilarious. That’s right, there goes your last shred of credibility, dude. And he’s from Lehman Brothers. Should have put a Royal in front of Bank of Canada. Tsk tsk. Too late now. Bring on more flopsweat. Deficit just ballooned out of the stratosphere, now nobody’s holding down interest rates.

Meanwhile, Marc Weisblott, whom I’ve met in person, I have, does a little sum up of what media pundits were saying about the fate/fortune of Rob Ford. It features the likes of Christie Blatchford, one of my favourite media pundits, saying she voted for him because he seemed authentic.

http://o.canada.com/2012/11/26/pundits-take-what-could-be-their-final-punt-at-assessing-toronto-mayor-rob-ford/

Ah, the authentic politician. No, no, no, Christie. David Miller was the authentic politician. He bought me a glass of wine. And his aide spilled so many beans that if I’d really been from Frank magazine, instead of a fan who often just read the bubbles over the heads of celebrities in the paparazzi section, I probably could have made David Miller the asshat other asshats want to be the mayor, instead of leaving him to go down in infamy as the mayor from the leftie elite.

Authentic. Oh my. Nope the only authentic people in the news today are the visitors from Guatemala, come to Canada to seek justice against our rapacious – literally – mining companies, and the Canadian lawyer who is representing them, pro bono.

It doesn’t often get that authentic in Canada anymore, but yeah, I’d say that’s pretty effin’ authentic.

 



2 Comments

  1. Mayor Ford is authentic .. Prime Minister Harper is authentic .. the manure in my barn was authentic (and to a great extent, truly organic..) and rats in our granary was about as authentic as it gets. One needs context or farm upbringing to judge the relative smell or qualities of authenticity these days. I believe Mayor Ford has ‘authentic’ interests in his high school football kids as well as public transportation. I believe Stephen Harper has authentic urges to strip away fish and wildlife habitat protections/legislations and any related environmental ‘laws’ as well as a deeply disturbed but authentic urge to ‘extinguish’ any and all First Nations Treaties.. which means he must first destroy The Charter of Rights and Freedoms

    Any health care practitioner describes the craving of an addict, or a psychopath, as ‘authentic’.

    When we enter the craven whacko weird-world of political animals, back room jackals, sellouts, investment bankers/brokers, theocrats, multinational corporations, data-miner wankers, evangelists, spokespersons, robogeeks, for hire pollsters, cronyism, parliamentary secretaries, whingnuts, think tankers, house speakers, lobbyists, Conservative Party lawyers, anonymous sources et al .. we need to put on our hazmat suits and dive deeply into the toxic hive..

    After getting past the very obvious authenticity and pathology.. we need to be like naturalists.. or medical sleuths.. identifying, defining and categorizing the septic layers.. the epidemiology.. the very nature of the pus or infection.

    Whew !! Lets be careful with ‘authentic’ as a useful descriptive.. I will have to look into our visitors from Guatemala as they trigger ideas like ‘oppressed’ and ‘legitimate’ versus exploitation, bullying and corporate ignorance supported by federal Canadian government. Many would define this as ‘colonialism’ or serious Mood Disorder .. (thank you Mr Harper and Minister in absentia Mr Baird – too busy in Israel)

    Could you be so kind as to be very specific re the Guatemalan atrocities ? Are these the Klippenstein cases ?

  2. Yes, http://www.rightsaction.org/articles/Rape_victims_sue_HudBay_032811.html

    I don’t know much about this case, but I can’t imagine being a resident in an area where Canadian mining companies want to operate and you’re in the way.