TV
I don't watch a lot of television, which is not to say the tv isn't on a lot in my apartment, I'm just not usually the one watching it. And I'm never the one who turned it on. I don't turn on an off television. I'm that passive. In any case, sometimes I can't help but be sucked into something or other that the kids are watching - "Friends" (and all I can think of is "My goodness, they must keep that studio cold...") and some sort of justice show. I honestly don't know the name but I do know the sub-name "Special Victims' Unit" or "Special Crimes Detachment". Something like that. But yeah. You know that show. It's the one where the actors talk to each other in clipped fateful observations: "Looks like he likes his victims scared from the neck up." "Yeah. And scarred from the neck down." "Look at these teeth marks." "Yeah. Looks like he ate his victims slowly before sodomizing them to death with this impaler." Or "She never had a chance. Check out the thickness of these chains." "Yeah. And the fibres from her skull show the pick-axe was wielded by a left-handed butcher." "Yeah. After he gouged out her eyes. Over here - look at this rusty fork." "And look at that - blue eyes - just like all his other victims." I mean, I could go on for hours like this with little or no exaggeration. It's that bad. They really talk like that on this show. And it's completely hypnotic: "Her mouth is open. He must have slit her throat mid-scream." "Yeah. And then sat down and made a tongue sandwich. Look at the tongue fibres on this crust." "Let's get forensics in on this one. Now." It's filmed in a kind of grainy, gritty way, too - like the cameras have been stored in a torture chamber for so long even they can't bare the light. I'd love to write for it. I've got a great storyline where the serial rapist killer has an extra pyschotic fetish - fetuses. The unborn. He rapes and murders BEFORE birth. It stumps the detectives until the foxy dame cop - who it turns out is the real life daughter of Jayne Mansfield - JAYNE MANSFIELD!! ferchrissakes, whose death certificate reads "crushed skull with avulsion of cranium and brain" (not thanks to a serial killer, sadly - just a car crash) - gets pregnant by the serial rapist killer himself who has only impregnated her so he can rape and murder their unborn child. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on your viewing habits, she miscarries early on - AFTER beginning to suspect her boyfriend may be the serial rapist killer they're looking for. Gamely, she carries on the charade of a relationship until he can be cornered by her co-workers after the wire-tap she has concealed in her vagina records him telling the non-existent fetus of all his past crimes. I know, I know - it sounds far fetched. But he has actually tied her spread-eagled to the four corners of the bed (she has one of those four poster beds with a seductive canopy that allows viewers to see her spread eagled, but only through the gauze. Oh - and she has one of those sexy, short, filmy negligees on to help entice him over to her vagina, too) so she can SEE him rape, murder, yaddayadda - BUT, he can't see the wire-tap because the wires are... flesh coloured and he has a SECOND fetish of not touching the victims' mothers as he's committing his disgustingly evil crimes. Crimes that cause hardened detectives to wince while they wait in the next room until he's finished with every detail of every fetal rape and murder he's ever committed. Yeah. Murder One, pal. (Bearing in mind this is an American show - NOT Canadian, where it might just be... manslaughter...?) Anyway, we know there isn't really a fetus up there (I've allowed the viewer a bit of a break, here, although the studio might want to change that part so the fetus is still alive - maybe even ready to be born... but that would make her... too close to being an unwed mother, so... yeah - the fetus has to miscarry earlier in the episode...) but we're still anxious because he has a THIRD fetish - that WE know about, but the cops don't - which is to suddenly and without giving notice (so he can't be heard and therefore stopped), bite off the nipples of his tied up victim, leaving her to bleed to death in sudden bloody spurts causing her to go into instant cardiac arrest (which in turn causes her to thrust and writhe in agony), if he is in any way interrupted in his crime. Phew! Yeah, yeah - I know - how does he do all this without the victims' mothers knowing until they deliver dead raped babies and so on and so forth. Enh. I'm sure they have editors to work out the kinks.
