HausFrauing
I recently read a column by a young woman about childcare that I must admit got my dander up. She was saying essentially that if you're going to have children, you should stay home to look after them - yourself. "You" being "mom" of course. And that the only reason moms supposedly aren't doing this and don't want to do this is because they're selfish. They're not "putting the kids first".
Well, I did that - put the kids first. And initially it was much to the dismay of my then husband, if I recall correctly, which I probably don't since I had two more kids in rapid succession after the first, feeling as I did after a few months of being home alone all day with a baby that since I was now hopelessly unemployed and completely invisible to the rest of society anyway, I may as well go for broke and do what I was good at while the going was good. Yup. He was more than a little distraught by my unilateral decision to stay home and look after the baby when I was still pregnant and working and making more money than he did, "No! No! No! Let's get on a list for daycare. We won't have enough money! Babies are boring! You'll be bored! Then you'll be mad at me!" But like most new husbands/fathers, he adjusted to what the little woman wanted.
Do I have any regrets about my decision? A few. Namely that, not only was he right on all counts, but within weeks he'd so fully adjusted to coming home to what the little woman wanted - great meals made from scratch and a spotless house - that he was pretty much able to devote all his time to playing video games and yelling, "The baby's crying! I think she's hungry!" At which point I'd stomp into the room to say I'd just fed her and to prove it I'd put her to the breast. Which really should have seemed quite hilarious after about the 20th time she immediately started sucking and I'd end up feeding her all over again while my then husband went back to playing video games, - "Not much I can do here. Good for you, honey. That breastfeeding thing isn't just cheap, it's really practical. And easy." - except for the whole, "Then you'll be mad at me!" prediction I revisited each time as I stared resentfully at the back of his big stupid video game playing head and fed the baby.
So, clearly I'm not a selfish person, a bit of a dupe and a control freak, maybe - but not selfish. Oh - and an all or nothing person, so part-time work (that mythical beast - "Why not get a cute little part-time job to get you out of the house and earn a little pin money?" my former mother-in-law once suggested - quite seriously - I was holding a frying pan, too...) was out of the question. I'd decided to stay at home, to be a mother at home. And dammit - I was good at it. However isolated and unhappy I may have seemed, boy, was I a good mother. Nobody remembers it now, but I was really good. Really good. The best. The mother of all mothers. Not so good at staying married, as it turned out, but hey - kids come first. And, of course, the pro-family types out there could say the marriage probably lasted way longer than it would have if I'd been out in the workforce meeting new people and having fun instead of being trapped in the house 24/7 making rice and bean casseroles and cream cheese from homemade yogurt and trying to get through another day of being a stay at home mother in a society that values gainful employment even over youth and beauty.
Anyway, fast forward to now and I'm back in the workforce making less than I did when I left the workforce in 1990 to put the kids first and stay at home and raise them all by myself my way. And they're great kids. But, and here's the rub, I suspect they'd be great kids if I'd had a job all that time, too. Maybe even not been there at all with some other mother raising them in my stead from a roadside chip truck. Because their lives have been completely turned around a couple of times since I was that great stay at home mom and they're still - great kids. And this is where I'm going with this - being at home with your kids, if that's where you want to be, is a lucky choice to be able to make - I guess. And the right choice if it's the right choice for you - I suppose. But, having been there, done that, I'd add - just know that it's the right choice (and it's not like there's a wrong one, anyway, truth be told). So, nevermind the kids. The kids are alright. Mind mom first. (Ignore Dad. If mom's happy - Dad's probably happy. And if he's not - it's just because he hasn't snagged a new girlfriend yet.) Because no matter what the columnists say, it is my considered opinion that never before in the history of parenting (which is a pretty short history, to be sure) have parents spent more time with their kids and been more involved with their kids - and for more years - than now. Whether you're a a couple of dual income go-getters after the big suburban home with a tv/computer in each bedroom and two weeks family vacation in Mexico - or Joe Sixpack and Sally Housecoat scraping by and holidaying in front of the tv in the family room. But being at home with your kids, if you'd rather be out working - fuhgeddabouddit. Do what you want. Listen to someone who's been there, done that.
Not that I did... Right mom?
