LOST
On Easter weekend I went with my attractive blond companion to visit his parents et al in Pembroke, Ontario. Good Friday was a great day. A quick two hour bus ride from Ottawa to Pembroke, barbequed hotdogs, then off for a 3 hour hike along the river, through the woods, around the town - until we found a place that was open for business and sat down for a pitcher of beer and a plate of poutine.
That was Good Friday. And what a good Friday it was.
Saturday? Not so good.
Saturday, I went to the Pembroke Mall. And got lost.
Yup. Lost. At the Pembroke Mall.
The day dawned like any other. Eggs, bacon, toast - lots of coffee for brekkies. Then I said, "I'd like to do some shopping. I have a couple of things I really need to get and I never get around to it in Ottawa." "I'll drive you to the mall", said my companion's mom.
So off we headed in the car - a car I wouldn't recognize even now if it ran me over - and I got dropped off. My companion's mom's last words to me being, "How will we know when to come and pick you up?" "I'll call", I replied (thinking, "D'uh...").
After about 30 minutes of shopping, I had what I'd gone to the mall to get - a shopping record for me - and headed for a phone booth. Which was when a vague unease began to take over, followed in rapid succession by a sweaty panicky dread. I didn't know their phone number. I wasn't even sure of their last names. And I had no idea of their address. All I knew was that they lived a confusing and goodly distance from the mall.
I started swallowing. Still heading for the phone booth. "Calm down", I told myself. "Think. You know his mom's last name." Out of the blue it came to me. My companion had referred to a family reunion down the road that he would be attending. "Aha!" I look in the phone book. Nothing. I call 411. "I'm sorry Ma'am. She must be unlisted. There's no one in Pembroke with that last name." I start pleading, "Her husband's name starts with B. No wait... D. They live in a white frame -" "I'm sorry, Ma'am. That's not enough information. I can't help you."
At this point my hands are so clammy with sweat the phone slips. I hang it up. "Think. Think. His cousin was visiting and her boyfriend is from Pembroke. Aha! I know his last name." I count my quarters. FIve quarters, ten Schmidts (the names have been changed to avoid embarrassing third parties). I dial the first Schmidt. "Hi. I'm looking for Tyler Schmidt. Do you know him or where I might find him? I'm visiting Pembroke and I need to get in touch with him regarding a dinner party." "Tyler? I don't know any Tyler. And I know all the Schmidts. There's no Tyler Schmidt in Pembroke." "Are you sure? I mean, I just saw him last night at dinner and he told me to give him a -" "I'm sure. There's no Tyler Schmidt in Pembroke that I'm aware of." "But is there another Schmidt I could call who might have heard of him?" "Well, let's go through the list: Orvil is a bachelor. Richard died this winter. Eva's my sister and I know she doesn't know any Tyler Schmidt." And on and on she went through all ten Schmidts. Slowly but efficiently draining me of my life force.
The Schmidt hope gone, I headed over to the food court. A slice of pizza and cranbery cocktail later, I spot a cancer fundraiser in progress. I approach the two women. "This is gonna sound crazy to you, but my friend's mom just dropped me off at the mall and I was supposed to call her when I was done shopping, but I don't know her phone number, it's unlisted, and I don't know her address. All I know is that it's pretty far from the mall and it's somewhere near a high school." "Haha! Lost? In Pembroke?" "Uh... Yeah. That's right." "Well, I get off here at 4:00. I can drive you around then. What's your friend look like in case he comes looking for you." "Well, he's got wavy blond hair, about 5'11". Good looking." "Haha! What's his number? Just kidding - hahahahahahahaha!" "Yeah. Well. Okay. I'll just wander around until you're off, then. If you see a good-looking blond guy - flag him down." "Oh. Don't worry, honey. We will!"
Anyway, in case you're wondering, there are apparently no good looking blond men in Pembroke. Not one false call. And mine never showed up either, which I really had to take issue with later since he was from Pembroke and should have known that only a desperately pathetic woman would seriously ever in her worst nightmare want to spend more'n one hour at the Pembroke Mall. (I'd left his house at noon...)
So, at 4:00, as promised, the cancer ladies and I drove around Pembroke looking for the house. I won't bore you with the details except to say that I was just about to ask them to open the door and push me out of the car and maybe I'd be lucky and roll over into a ditch where I could spend the night wallowing in the mud - when the house suddenly appeared - seemingly out of nowhere - right there. "Stop the car!" (It was just like Natalie Wood in Miracle on 34th Street when she spots the house of her dreams at the end) "This is it!"
Very long story brought to a mericful end, the cancer ladies came in to meet the family. My friend's Mom laughed that next time they'd put a sticker on me "If lost return to 123 Main Street".
And just like in the movies, the cancer ladies waved goodbye and said, "Happy Easter, everybody!" And went merrily on their way.
Oh - and the cousin's boyfriend? He wasn't from Pembroke, afterall. He was from Petawawa. You'd think that wouldn't matter so much except that, as he explained over dinner that night, when all the Schmidts got off the boat from Germany, half the Schmidts went to Pembroke, the other half went to Petawawa. Never, ever to have anything to do with each other ever again. So... I filled him in on the other half of the Schmidts. "Forget about them", I said. "They're dying out. Only Katerina had kids. One girl and one boy. The girl is a gym teacher and the boy joined the navy. Looks like the Petawawa Schmidts have won this round."
