Fear of Living
I'm not afraid of dying. Sure, I have random existential panic attacks a couple of times a day, but I've learned to reason my way out of them by staring at my hand with total concentration for as long as it takes to keep my heart from flying out my ear.
I'm afraid of living.
It's true. I came to that realization in the middle of one of the aforementioned panic attacks. It was truly a miracle. One minute I was in a complete panic about the inevitability of death and the infinite non-existence thereafter - the next I was awakening to the knowledge that living is even scarier.
To say it was freeing would be an understatement.
Imagine being a play-it-safe-take-the-clerical-job kind of gal suddenly wondering what it would be like to do for money something I actually like doing. Something I want to do. Something that would give me pleasure. Would that make me an entirely different person? I doubt it. Happier, maybe. So if it's going to make me happier (maybe) to get out there and hustle for the kind of work I want to do for money, what's holding me back?
Fear.
Fear of doing what I want. I know it's a cliche by now about women doing what they are told, but I guess it's a cliche because it's true. Sure, lots of people do jobs they'd rather not have to do, but I have talents and skills that I could parlay into an actual fun career and I'm not doing it. Why not? Because I was always told, "Learn to type. You'll always be able to find work if you can type." And that was by my feminist mother. "Learn to type." Well, I did learn to type. In grade nine. And I've been typing ever since - in spite of having a university degree and a certain talent for writing. Funny, that. Funny - not haha, though.
So. My plan is to re-invent myself. Now that I realize all that's stopping me from doing what I want is a fear of living , or, in other words - a fear of doing what I want, I'm going to concentrate all my efforts on going after opportunities, long shots - whatever comes up that I think will be a fun challenge. Whatever will make me happy. Enough of the safe and narrow. Hollywood - here I come!
