Truthful Ladies
I was going to do an entry EARLY this morning about Danielle Crittenden and her views on womanhood but I was sidetracked into moderating comments on yet another of my Middle East entries. Or rather, an entry about academic freedom that (d)evolved into a Middle East entry in the comments section.
Sorry, eh. I hold myself responsible. But I won't delete myself, either. It's my blog, afterall.
So, Danielle Crittenden. She's the author of a book blaming mothers for being feminists instead of REAL women. Or something. I haven't read it because I don't like to waste my time. Time is precious. LIke babies. Unless they're bad babies.
Gasp! Did I say that out loud? Because here's the thing - last night I went to my monthly bookclub meeting (it's just like menstruation) and we sat in the hot tub (it's a suburban bookclub) discussing "The Awakening" by Kate Chopin.
Spoiler Alert!!
So there we were, boiling away in 20 below weather (cripes, and I'll be damned if I haven't done as many Environment entries as Middle East entries - I guess I don't really care about the Environment, either) discussing "The Awakening" when I said, "Hey - how come none of us seemed to like the main character very much? Or any of the other characters? And yet... we really seemed to like the book."
That's when it hit me. The main character is an early feminist. She's described as handsome rather than pretty (the lesbian overtones, we realized, the 8 of us in the hot tub, and we're a good-looking bookclub, were deafening) possessing a singularity of nature such as women were not really supposed to have in those days. Or now. To the point where, I realized later in bed (WITH MY BEAU!!!) that she wanted to live like a man.
And that, dear reader, is why - I think - we didn't like her. She was honest. She told the truth. She loved her children but didn't really want to look after them. She wanted someone else to do it. Her husband wasn't anything negative, really - in fact, he was quite accommodating when the marital crunch was on - but she insisted on not wanting to be with him. She wanted to be with men who seemed... well... "poncy" was the word that came to mind for me. That she was infatuated with by turns. Eventually, she even moves out of the marital home. So her husband is left to pretend they are having renovations done. To save face in that "what will people think" way that is usually - women's worry work.
I like that - "women's worry work".
In any case, our collective reaction to her shocked us a bit. We are all feminists - sort of. But, with the exception of myself until very recently, we have all lived very traditional lives as women. The bookclub started, originally, with a group of us being stay-at-home mothers with younger working mothers gradually coming in to top us up from five members to eight.
I was the one, having defied convention recently, to realize that we were uncomfortable with this character because she was a woman living as she wanted. Being honest. Telling the truth. She was essentially a woman wanting to live like a man. (My fellow bookclubbers, by the way, have (d)evolved from feeling sorry for me regarding my situation to being increasingly jealous. That's just a bit of a side note. I'll leave it there.)
Scary, eh? Because women really don't do that very often. Honest. I know you don't want to believe that, Dear Reader, but it's true. Women care what other people think to the point where they live lives that are completely dishonest. They are fine, upstanding, womanly lives. They just aren't even remotely truthful.
And this brings me to Danielle Crittenden. Although, really, it brings me to Barbara Amiel. (I'll never get around to talking about Danielle Crittenden, so if you're reading this piece for that reason, give it up. Why would I waste my time talking about Danielle Crittenden? Get a grip, Dear Reader!)
Barbara Amiel has made a career, risen to the top of the macho pundit heap, telling women to be good. Don't have an abortion (she's in the money and power telling you that hers was a big mistake, doncha know), stay home and raise your babies (she would if she wasn't childless and busy making bags of money and pursuing rich men having just the best life of luxury, doncha know), don't get into the workforce (leave it to her, doncha know).
Barbara Amiel has lived her life like a man.
BUT - here's where we realized why we had this reaction to the main character in "The Awakening" - a reaction that took us somewhat aback. Feminists that we all think we are:
What would happen if ALL women lived their lives like men and did what they wanted to do? Without caring what people think of them - as women? I mean, I can talk a good game because I've actually followed all the rules. Me. I am a good woman. Very much so. Until very recently, anyway. And the day I do what I want is the day... I don't know... the world will come to an end? (It didn't, but I still haven't accepted that it won't.)
WHY WON'T WOMEN BE HONEST ABOUT WHAT THEY REALLY WANT? Because we CAN be. It's just that I, and many other women, I suspect, equate doing what we want with being Bad Women. It'd be okay if it was just "Bad". But "Bad Women"?
Ew.
"Bad Mothers"?
Double ew.
Be honest. I have a friend who once said to me: "I hate my daughter. I don't like her. I don't want her." I. Was. Shocked. And. Appalled. But not surprised that she thought that. Her daughter was quite awful. I was surprised that she would SAY it. Out loud. I played along, a bit, then recommended she talk to a professional. A REAL professional. Someone who would understand her feelings better than I could. That's because I was really thinking the whole time she talked - honestly - and I pretended to play along - honestly: "Wow. Poor kid. You are one Bad Mother."
Now, I realize that doesn't say much about me as a friend. But I'm trying to be honest, here. And truth be told - she WAS a bad mother. But she was a good friend. For a while. The friendship hit the rocks over something - seemingly - unrelated.
But honestly? It could be that I've tucked that conversation away and everything else she has done since, has been coloured by it.
So, I guess what I'm trying to say here, really, is this: While the truth may set you free, if you're a woman, you'd best prepare yourself to spend a lot of that freedom - alone.
Oh yeah - Danielle Crittenden. She thinks women should have fewer choices because choosing is hard. Or something. There. Happy?
I know - who cares what Danielle Crittenden thinks?
Right?
