Sooey Says

I guess we've all seen the clip on YouTube of Christopher Hitchens waxing sillysophical about dead ol' Jerry Falwell on Anderson Cooper's show on CNN.

"Pbbbbbbbllllllllfffft" would have been my response to His Blowhardiness, although Anderson Cooper's puzzled brow responses were pretty funny, too.

Because, except for the blatant hypocrisy of criticizing Jerry Falwell for being a Christian Charlatan with Double Capital C's - without even mentioning John Ashcroft and the Case of the Covered Statue, George W. Bush and his entire Presidency, and pretty much every Republican administration in my lifetime and probably yours - I didn't think there was much to take notice of in that interview - beyond a cheap (and... I dunno, but - boozy?) pitch for hapless viewers to buy his latest book.

Something about God not being real even though 99.9% of American Republicans think He is and - not only REAL - but an American and a Republican.

So yeah - God isn't real, eh? What about Mother Nature, Christopher Hitchens? Is she not real, either? Father Time and his big clock in the sky? Not real, either?

...Original sin? Cain and Abel? (And how come nobody names their kid "Cain"?) The Ten Commandments as dictated by God? SATAN?! All of them, the whole cast of the Holy Bible - NOT REAL?!

Gee, then why does every American President, Congressman, and Senator PRETEND God is real, then? I mean, even Bill Clinton took to carrying around a Bible and consulting with Billy Graham (with whom President Bush Sr. sincerely and with heavy heart consulted before making HIS not-so-infamous decision to wage War against Iraq, too, you might want to know, Christopher Hitchens, you Toffee-nosed BritTwit of little Faith) - once he was facing impeachment for that blow job in the Oval Office by one Monica Lewinsky - whom he successfully managed to portray later as an Eve-like seductress. (Although fatter'n the Eve in the Holy Bible - for sure - but isn't that just how Evil would present Herself to a good ol' Southern Boy - "Have you ever tasted a REAL cigar, Billy?")

Although, lest we (the Godless Left) be hypocrites ourselves, it was all most likely an elaborate optical illusion and he was probably just asking about "the weather up there" with Billy Graham while secretly strategizing with his Backroom Boys about how best to wriggle out from under the whole mess WITHOUT God even finding out about it. (And, although it might have fooled Ken Starr, I never thought for a minute he was sincere in carrying around that Holy Bible in his breast pocket all of a sudden. And the fact that the best his Backroom Boys could do was that whole not really knowing what oral sex is thang - tells us more'n we probably want to know about the state of American preparedness in an emergency, but that's an entry for a whole 'nother God fearing day. It'll probably read a lot like the Right of this Country's coverage of Conrad Black at his trial in Chicago - "Yeah. Sure. He's a guilty sleazeball - but he's OUR guilty sleazeball" - so you may want to skip it, come to think of it.)

Unless, of course, (and this is a possibility even a defensive Left hasn't really explored fully) Bill Clinton wasn't lying at all and was genuinely confused by why Ken Starr wouldn't think oral sex really WASN'T sex. I mean - let's face it, given the hue and cry over all matters sexual down South, I'm sure there are lots of Southern boys who would argue Homosexuality isn't a Sin if you're drunk. Or if your Mama doesn't find out about it until she's up in Heaven and God tells her what he saw you doing out in the bushes that night. And then every other night after that while your wife was home readling Bible bedime stories to your young'uns before responding to constituent complaints about the science curriculum not covering Creationism and why isn't their State representative DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

Creationism is taught in schools for a good reason, dontcha know - God is all powerful and power is what America is all about and you don't question Omnipotent Beings and his Spokesmen or you may find yourself not getting any. Power, that is.

But speaking of homosexuality (and my, oh my - does the Religious Right like to speak of Homosexuality...), I notice Hitchens didn't go into that too much with Anderson Cooper (nudgenudgewinkwink). I can only guess that's because his own views on Homosexuality are somewhat ambiguous - much like his sexuality, really, if you stop and think about it. Heheh - although his latent Homosexuality is less so... And call me detail-oriented, but I doubt Christopher Hitchens and Jerry Falwell would actually find themselves very far apart on their opinions on Feminism, either.

Am I wrong? Do I call the Great Debater out unfairly? I don't think so, but I'm a woman, so - maybe that's exactly what I'm doing. Foxy vixen temptress that I am. When I'm not being pathologically unfunny, I mean. Because, of course, as Rudyard Kipling so famously said, "Women can't be funny because they give birth" - or something. He yakked a lot about things he didn't really know anything about - like the Jungle, for instance. Not that the Jungle Book doesn't make more sense than the Holy Bible - I'm juss sayin'. He yakked a lot and when you yak a lot, you can end up saying more stupid things - on average - than your non-yakkers. Not that they mightn't be just as stupid as you. Which reminds me - Hitchens expanded on Kipling to add something about "dead babies being hard to make fun of - even for Homosexuals like Oscar Wilde". Or something. I dunno. He yaks a lot, too.

Anyway, my point is that Jerry Falwell is easy - Consistency, on the other hand, is hard. And one simply cannot criticize the dead Reverend for having so much power on account of he was a Capital "C" Christian - without criticizing the current President of the United States and pretty much everything he has said and done in the past few years - as well as the fact that Jerry Falwell was only powerful because the Religious Right - which votes solidly for Bush - made him powerful. I mean, nevermind 9/11 and that whole little brain fart about Western liberals more or less causing it (and may I refer you, Dear Reader, to pretty well every Rightwing American pundit for proof that Jerry Falwell was, indeed - quite right) - Hitch missed the whole '80s here when the Moral Majority truly ran the political show down South.

That was before he put his hand on his heart and took out American citizenship, so affected in a 180 degrees way by 9/11was he that, well, in the absence of REAL Religion, I guess he felt kneejerk Patriotism would do.

But back to the future. Really, it was as if there was a giant elephant standing right behind Hitchens during the entire interview and only he and Anderson Cooper couldn't see it. I mean, I could see it. Could you see it? The President of the United States uses words like "evil-doers" to describe America's enemies, FerChrissakes. He is the Commander-in-Chief of a War on Terror that identifies Islamists as those who must be defeated and Christians as those who must defeat them. He cites three "F" words that dictate all his decisions - in this order - "Faith, Family, Friends".

He believes in the Apocalyse.

He is Jerry Falwell with actual Christian zeal, not just a huckster out for a buck. He's a real live Zealot. And he's also the leader of the free world. Americans made him that - twice. How on earth could Christopher Hitchens criticize Jerry Falwell without once mentioning the current U.S. administration and its War on Terror in the Middle East. - the Holy Land, as it were - and an entire political and social culture that would allow someone like George W. Bush to become President of the United States. Twice.

That's right. He can't mention any of that because he, himself, is mad. Quite mad. He supports the War on Terror - still. And because he is essentially on the side of George W. Bush - politically - he shies away from calling him a Nut - with a Capital "N". It's really beyond any point whatsoever. Which explains, I guess, Anderson Cooper's puzzled brow. I mean, if Hitchens' reputation didn't precede him, there would just be a giant hook off to the side with which to haul him off the stage, I'm sure.

I mean, does "Hypocrite" with a Capital "H" even cover what he has become? Talk about asking viewers to take a spectacular leap of faith. Perhaps you should read your own book, Mr. Hitchens. I'm certainly not going to bother.