Annual "It's 'The Christmas', Stupid" Rant - One Day Early
Well, it's November 17th, time for my soon-to-be-annual Christmas rant. Yes, indeed. November 17th. The one day of the year I think we should switch over from simply persecuting Christians, to ranting about Christmas.
Why? Well, because a good Christmas rant gives me the energy I need to devote to persecuting Christians for all of the rest of the year. Consider November 17th my annual Day of Reflection when I allow Christians to go about their annoying business unmolested by the scorn I scream into my pillow at night so I can rail about their Chosen Holiday.
Christmas is special. And by special - I mean retarded. It's hard to imagine a holiday more retarded than Christmas. Adults who like Christmas should be put down. And by put down - I mean euthanized. There is no excuse for an adult liking Christmas. It's akin to an adult liking to roll in a fresh cow pie before sitting down to a supper of jelly beans.
In a jolly jumper.
And the Christmas brigade is getting worse. Because they actually believe that - not only is Christmas NOT retarded - but that it's getting short shrift in the Holiday line-up.
Oh, really. Christmas is getting short shrift to Ramadan, Diwali, Hannakah and my nude Pagan annual backyard run to the salt lick, down to the creek, up through the woods and over to the magic rock to celebrate the long dark nights of winter?
No. Sorry. You are very mistaken. Christmas is a cultural ape. A religious goon. An unavoidable dog's breakfast of tacky kitsch and maudlin religiosity. A melange of grotesque over-indulgence and pious sanctimony.
It's an embarrassment. And a good reason for every other culture in the world to despise us. Gawd, *I* despise us for Christmas. Because it's completely fake. Nothing about Christmas is genuine. It's all nostalgia based on myth. An orgy of old-timey days advertising for plastic products of all shapes and sizes.
MADE IN CHINA!
Gee, talk about the elephant in the living-room. China, a communist country on the fast track to crass materialism with a murderous human rights record coming up smartly on the inside - is Santa Claus. You don't agree? Try doing a Christmas shopping without buying anything made in China. In fact - go one further and try doing a Christmas shopping buying only goods made in Canada. Or even the United States. Europe, if you want to take it overseas to those non-Puritan art snobs.
Good luck. You'll need it. If you have kids - don't even try. Just hold your nose and head to the mall. Give it up. You can't be a decent human being with a social conscience AND a Christmas shopper. It simply isn't possible. Forgive yourself. Christ would if he'd ever had to shop for His birthday. In fact, I think he'd be humiliated beyond belief by all the suffering he's caused for the slave labour over in China. Even if they are heathens.
Anyway, this is the first of two entries about Christmas. This weekend, I promise to offer up one woman's solution to what for many parents has become a living one, almost two, month nightmare. It involves divorce and ex-in-laws and keeping a low profile with the appearance of quiet suffering while secretly smiling to herself and planning grill cheese sandwiches for her sad and lonely Christmas dinner.
Meanwhile - Chrrrrrrrrristmas.
Grrrrrrrrrrrr.
