Crazy Dog
I have a dog made crazy by his instincts that serve no purpose in our modern world. He's part sheltie, part beagle, so he herds and tracks compulsively until 9:00 p.m. when he shuts right down with a weary sigh, having given up on the sheep, my three kids, who are scattered around, one in a different city altogether now, the other two rarely in the same room at the same time.
He's a dog of separation/divorce, too, so there's that to add to his burden. Every weekend he comes to my apartment, frantic for his walk (not to wag my finger too ex-ball-and-chainishly but SOMEONE isn't getting much exercise taking the dog for his twice daily constitutional) so we (my beau and I) barely have time to give him a bowl of water before he's dragging me down the street (I always get stuck holding the leash) to find just the right spot to relieve himself of what appears to be a week's worth of food licked out of the dishwasher.
But our main problem is that he looks like a friendly and intelligent dog, so handsome is he, that other dog-walkers assume they can just come up to us and chat while our dogs frolic like old friends from training school.
WRONG! He doesn't like other dogs. The tail wagging and intelligent look is just a cover so that naive dog walkers will THINK he's friendly and intelligent and then they'll cross the street we've just crossed over from to get away from them and he can bite their dogs' faces off.
You see, other dogs are bad. They rip apart sheep and must be attacked, no matter how small and, well, let's face it - gay - the little pomeranz is. And we've given up trying to explain to other dog walkers that he's just trying to save them from themselves, that he'd never harm a person, it's just that people are stupid and need to be warned about their sheep eating dogs. And, you know, they look at us like WE'RE the ones who are crazy.
And when he's not faking out other dog walkers, he's tracking Squirrel, the most menacing evil-doer ever to stalk the earth. It's not easy, either, because he's on a leash and everytime he catches Squirrel's scent (and He's tricky, Squirrel, because He can change colour and clone Himself so He appears to be several squirrels at the same time, while His real self is scampering around doing His evil deeds) he can only get as far as my wrenched shoulder socket will allow. And then there's the awkward moment when he almost has Squirrel but isn't quite prepared to do Him in, so he gives a warning bark to let Squirrel scamper up a tree before charging the tree with all his wrath when you least expect it, thereby breaking free of your hold, which is just when the couple with the little white pomeranz happens by.
Oh well, at least it isn't the couple with the beautifully trained black lab. It's terrible, but, well, we're talking about a Scottish dog here and he's no doubt remembering back to the "black sheep" and, yeah, it's embarassing, but whaddarya gonna do? He's... bigoted.
Anyway, I'd post a picture so you'd know to back off and stay on your side of the street when you're out walking your dog, but I don't know how. So just trust me - he's crazy. Alright? Are we clear here? Good.
