A Leap Of Faith
I had a Tarot reading on New Year's Eve in San Francisco that may have changed my life.
It was only my second Tarot reading, the first being a reading I had at Fun Club (which coincidentally ALSO involved San Francisco) when I was 7 or 8 and the Reader told me I'd soon be going on a trip (I'd already told everybody my mom and my uncle were taking my brother and me to San Francisco to visit a great great aunt).
I wasn't impressed.
But at this Tarot reading, I pulled cards that confirmed the truth - I am not living the life I want to live. So stark is this reality, that I pulled the Burning House card. Yesmenia, the Reader, looked me in the eye and asked, "Do you understand what the Burning House card means?"
"I think it means I have to do something."
"That's right. Because you can't stay in a burning house, you have to leap. The problem is, you don't know what you're leaping to. So you have to make a leap of faith."
I don't take risks, but having pulled the Burning House card, I have no choice now but to take a leap of faith into the unknown. Right now, my lower back constantly aches, I've developed some kind of stress related condition where I'll lose hearing in one ear for hours at a time, then I'll develop vertigo and have to stay very still or fall over. I tell people I enjoy my job, but I really don't. I'm just doing it because I got it and I have a hard time saying no to security and decent pay.
Also, I pulled cards that in combination with other cards told Yesmenia that I'm not moving on because I'm not letting go. "The effort of going forward is too great, because you're trying to drag everything with you into the future. That's why you're finding it so hard to get anywhere."
I know this to be true. I'll do anything to avoid a confrontation, but I also don't like to give in. So I carry silent struggles with me through life. I can actually feel them sitting there, somewhere in the middle of my being.
She mentioned a contract that was hanging around, she didn't understand why something so seemingly minor was sitting amidst all the powerful cards I'd pulled, but I knew what it was.
The year ahead is going to be one of faith. I have no choice but to leap because I can't stay where I am. Everything I learned in the Reading, I already knew, of course. I just didn't realize it until I pulled the cards and they confirmed reality.
Later, once I was back in Ottawa, I had a visitor who was talking about growing up and how her mother had always made her choose the straight and narrow because she was so afraid of taking risks herself that she couldn't bear for her daughter to take any, either. "That's so selfish", my visitor opined. "To make security your priority for your kids is just selfish."
"Why?" I asked, realizing that if I could control every aspect of my children's lives to ensure their safety, I would.
"Because you just don't want to suffer any sadness."
And there's truth to that, because almost all of my efforts in life have been to steer myself and mine to safety because I can't bear the thought of anything sad happening to any of us. But now I have chronic lower back pain and loss of hearing and if I don't sit very still, I might fall over.
Yesmenia read the Tarot and the cards have spoken. Living is a leap of faith.
