Headlines you wish you'd written

fenderbender · Posted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 12:02 pm Post subject:

Ontario Association of Anglers and Hunters will surely put a bounty on it, and any relatives that get in the way

mozo · Posted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 12:14 pm Post subject:

bringin back memories of some guy I knew in the mid 70s who used the term turkey fer a vaguely unflatterin epithet fer everything - man, woman, child, car, mosquito etc

Kierkegaard · Joined: 16 Aug 2005 Posts: 4254

Perks of penance for Saudi jihadis

There once was a Saudi Jihadi
Who blew up a plane (which was naughti)
So they sent him to prison,
Where his faith was arisen,
Now this Saudi Jihadi's quite soddi.

mozo · Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 9:08 am Post subject:

this one's fer sooey

Police: Underwear-On-Head Robber Arrested

http://www.local6.com/news/16909349/detail.html

Kierkegaard · Joined: 16 Aug 2005 Posts: 4254

Meanwhile, out on the election trail, the Liberals continue to campaign against themselves...

Dion pledges $900M catastrophic drug coverage plan

...I hope it's better than their "wicked retarded" environment plan.

Snerblix · Posted: Tue Sep 16, 2008 10:57 am Post subject:

_________________
Doubleplusungood

Kierkegaard · Joined: 16 Aug 2005 Posts: 4254

Spicy pork sausage found in 'soiled diapers'

...morning stool thread?

Kierkegaard · Joined: 16 Aug 2005 Posts: 4254

Vagina Spa Opens In New York

fenderbender · Posted: Mon Apr 20, 2009 10:49 am Post subject:

i've been accused of running one for 40 some odd years

mozo · Posted: Mon Apr 20, 2009 2:47 pm Post subject:

they call him dr fender

Larry hagmans liver · Joined: 03 Oct 2007 Posts: 590

victor immature · Posted: Mon Apr 20, 2009 7:00 pm Post subject:

Kierkegaard · Joined: 16 Aug 2005 Posts: 4254

Girl Beats Off Muggers With Marching Band Baton

i bet it's something she learned how to do this one time? at band camp?

critter · Joined: 01 Aug 2006 Posts: 227 Location: Secure

http://www.cbc.ca/canada/prince-edward-island/story/2009/05/01/pei-beaver-brown-apology.html

No dam apology, P.E.I. environment minister tells legislature

P.E.I. Environment Minister Richard Brown says he never killed a beaver, and will not apologize for the work he did blowing up beaver dams when he was young.

'They want to make a mockery of this thing, then they can do that.'
— Environment Minister Richard BrownBrown was commenting in the legislature earlier about the current problem the Island is having with beaver dams blocking streams, and discussed how he had blown up dams with dynamite when he was young.

Environment critic Jim Bagnall asked Brown to apologize for his actions.

"I take offence to that," Brown responded.

"This legislature is here to debate and discuss things. Now if this opposition doesn't want open and frank debate here, Madame Speaker, and they want to make a mockery of this thing, then they can do that. Thirty years ago this was acceptable to go around and do that. It's not acceptable today. And that's all I was trying to say."

Brown said he had a permit to blow up the dams and that he never harmed or killed a single beaver. The beavers were always removed in a humane way before the dynamite was used.

critter · Joined: 01 Aug 2006 Posts: 227 Location: Secure

At least I never blew up any beaver dams

Peter Simpson
SOURCE: The Ottawa Citizen

I have been watching with interest and alarm the unfolding scandal over exploding beaver dams in my home province of Prince Edward Island.

Environment Minister Richard Brown revealed last week that as a young man he had a job blowing up beaver dams with dynamite. This set off immediate demands for an apology from Conservative opposition leader Olive Crane, and from her Tory associates Red Heron and Violet Barn Swallow.

Brown has refused to apologize, and insists that blowing up beaver dams with dynamite was normal behaviour when he was young, and that all beavers were removed before the explosions. (A source says the beavers were relocated to public housing in Charlottetown.)

I have been deeply moved by this scandal, and feel it is time for me to atone for many regrettable things that I did as a young man in P.E.I.

I apologize for being four years old and peeing in the sandbox at kindergarten in an attempt to impress Debbie McLeod, the little blond girl. I also apologize for enjoying my punishment, which was to be sent home where I ate Pop Tarts and watched cartoons all day long. I realize now that I should not have concluded that I should pee in the sandbox every day. I'm sorry.

I apologize for my 12th birthday when I accidentally shot out the window of dad's car with my brand new BB gun. I realize now that it was not really cool the way the window just popped with almost no sound at all and shattered into, like, a million pieces. I should not have been happy that primitive forensics of the day made it impossible to prove that the BB gun that shot out the window was the same BB gun that I had gotten as a birthday gift one hour earlier. I'm sorry.

I apologize for the day when I was 14 years old and deliberately shot the mailbox at the Perrys' cottage with the shotgun I got for having been "responsible" with the BB gun. I realize now that the mailbox was not gesturing provocatively at me, and was just rocking on a loose nail in the wind, which was probably why it spun off its post in a way that was totally awesome and would be a great video on YouTube. I'm sorry.

I apologize for the time I was 15 and hid a pack of smokes in my brother's closet, even though he was a known delinquent and it was better for my mother to believe she had only one delinquent son. I realize now that even though I still laugh almost weekly when I recall my brother's pointless, helpless denials when he got caught with my smokes, it was wrong. I'm sorry.

I apologize for being 16 and splitting a pint of lemon gin with my friend Jack the Cat, and for encouraging him to belch the entire alphabet in one go to impress the girls in the 25 minutes before we each barfed all over ourselves. I realize now that such behaviour sets a bad lesson for today's youth, and that I should stop telling the story at dinner parties. I'm sorry.

I apologize for having skipped an entire semester of university so I could take long, leisurely drives to the beach. I realize now that even though I somehow earned a passing grade in both philosophy and in that advanced math course that I had mistakenly registered for, going to the beach is not the same as "studying." I'm sorry.

I apologize for that time when I was 22 and got two weeks off my government job cutting trees because I "strained" my back. I realize that it was wrong to exaggerate how much it hurt, even if it was the best two weeks of summer and my foreman couldn't be bothered to fill out the Workers Compensation paperwork and just left me on full salary, and even though I spent most of the time playing lawn darts and drinking beers in my buddy Steve's backyard. I'm sorry.

In conclusion, my only defence is to say that at least I never blew up a beaver dam with dynamite, or anything so heartless and cruel. Unless you count burning ant hills with lighter fluid. Boy, did we get those suckers good. I'm sorry.

Peter Simpson is the Ottawa Citizen's culture editor, and grew up, guilt free, in Charlottetown.